Today we're going to take a look at the prevailing biological fashions, circa 430 million years ago. The Ordovician-Silurian extinction event cleared the way for all sorts of wild and crazy adaptive styles which make excellent mockery material from our lofty present-day perspective with its pre-distressed skinny jeans, low-rise sweatpants, and ironic t-shirts.
It's great being a superior lifeform, isn't it?
Hey, look! It's a giant sea scorpion! Talk about overcompensation! This dude will rock you like a hurricane! (Trite popcult references make the blogosphere go 'round!)
Trilobites were hot stuff for a time, but so were pogs. Seriously. The three-lobed look with a segmented thorax? What intelligent designer came up with that idea?
Nice look, dude. Is it anime cosplay season already? This pioneer of piscine fashion is rather proud of his status as a vertebrae early-adopter. Too bad he can't tell if he wants to be a fish or a horseshoe crab. Sheesh, didn't they have Urban Outfitters stores in the Paleozoic Era?
This dashing pair of cephalaspis are sporting the "bone-plated jawless" look popular with the Silurian-Devonian fishy crowd. So what if it was a reflection of environment and evolutionary trends? The important thing is that it looks really goofy by current bio-aesthetic standards and is perfectly suited for facile snarkery.
These Silurian fashions make it really hard to tell the males and females of the various species apart, which makes me wonder what other kinds of "boning" was going on behind the secluded coral reefs. HAW HAW! (Remember, kids: It's not a real half-assed retro fashion post if it doesn't contain at least one casual or thinly-veiled homophobic joke.)
If I have seen further than others, it is because I am standing on my tippity-toes, peeking over the shoulders of clueless giants.
We've got another original version/cover version pairing today -- a double shot of new (and newer) wave pop from the City of Angels, where star-fucking is always in vogue. (Not that I'm making a statement by choosing this particular tune or anything, honest....)
Felony - The Fanatic (from The Fanatic, 1983)
The Checkers - The Fanatic (from Make a Move, 2003)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
fashions by Darwin
Monday, July 07, 2008
it's just a passing phase
From the "Dear Josie" advice column in Josie & The Pussycats #73 (December 1973), a poignant look at the problems facing yesterday's youth:
Wow. Josie takes the "tough love" approach to a whole new level. The quotation marks around "groovy" and "bells" give the proceedings a certain Jack Webb je ne sais quoi:
"Flares," "bells," "Bolivian boot-cuts" -- cute "with it" names for something as insidious as communist ideology. You kids need to realize that crimes against fashion are no laughing matter.
While Josie's rather harsh response to poor L.J. overlooked the possibility that kids can be capriciously cruel to their peers, I do concur that wearing bell bottoms is never the solution.
Sparks - Angst in My Pants (from Angst in My Pants, 1982) - This fine slice of quirky new wave pop was inspired by Kierkegaard's Edifying Discourses on the Dread Associated with One's Trousers Tenting Up at Inopportune Moments (itself a response to Hegel's Wissenschaft der Kameltoe).
Orbital - Pants (from The Blue Album, 2004) - This is one of two trouserly tracks featured on Orbital's final album. (The other track, "Acid Pants," was done in collaboration with -- surprise, surprise -- Sparks. Such is the power of pants-love.)
First Choice - Smarty Pants (from Armed and Extremely Dangerous, 1973) - The first days of disco.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
here forever in the beauty
Because I had nothing else planned for today and because my brother recently brought the story to my attention, we're going to take a brief guided tour through the acid-eaten pages of Captain America & The Falcon #164 (August 1973). Written by Steve Englehart and illustrated by Alan Weiss (no relation), "Queen of the Werewolves" finds the heroic duo investigating suspected hijinx at a remote prison which, as typical for the genre, resembles a set from a 1930's Universal horror film. Under the management of the slinky (and somewhat underdressed) Nightshade, the facility has embarked on a "rehabilitation though lycanthropy" program for the inmates.
The Star-Spangled Avenger is less than pleased with the results (which the maternally-minded Nightshade calls her "babies") and proceeds to kick some man-beast tail. After witnessing the werewolves' inability to subdue the good Captain, the project's secret backer -- revealed to be the evil mastermind and lemon-hued racist caricature known as the Yellow Claw -- decides to cut Nightshade's funding. Unable to secure alternative financing for her work, Nightshade throws herself off the prison roof in despair.
Based on that brief synopsis, "Queen of the Werewolves" sounds replete with the full complement of drag-and-drop plot elements common to many Marvel superhero stories from that wild and crazy era. It's a reasonable assumption to make, yet an incomplete one, as it fails to consider a few things that push the story out of the pedestrian territory and into the realm of the inexplicably bizarre.
Things like...
I'm quite fond of Alan Weiss's art, but I don't think his particular style is a good fit with superhero genre material. It's especially true in this story, where Nightshade's provocative poses are consistently at odds with what's being expressed in the dialogue and captions -- as in the above panel, for example, or when she's sprawled across a computer console like an auto-show model while agonizing over the Claw's lack of support.
Her use of "babies," rather than the standard "pets" or "pretties," in regard to her were-minions is also disturbingly off-putting in a vaguely Freudian manner (though that might just be me). Cap's remark upon meeting her (as she suggestively waves one of Falcon's stray feathers about her person) that "She's a little girl -- posing, playing grown-up" doesn't help matters, either.
As grotty as that aspect of the story is, it still comes nowhere close to the truly inexplicable appearance of...
Words fail me.
The Frantics - Werewolf (from The Complete Frantics, 2004) - No, not the folks behind the agressively unfunny "Boot to the Head" comedy sketch, but a Puget Sound rock 'n' roll outfit active during the late 50's and early 60's (and who backed Bobby Darrin on "Dream Lover"). Excellent stuff indeed.
Thom Pace - Maybe (Theme to Grizzly Adams) (from Television's Greatest Hits, Vol. 5: In Living Color, 1996) - This is the short version used in the eco-positive 70's TV series (which I learned was produced by Sunn Classics, of In Search of Noah's Ark and Hangar 18 fame). This song never fails to make the wife a little misty-eyed when she hears it.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
we'll help you party it down
Tight-crotched bootcut blue jeans, thick leather belt with huge Schlitz logo buckle, and custom Ford Econoline van conversion not included. Accessorizes well with homemade bongs, bottles of Annie Green Springs, and a handful of Quaaludes swiped from your parents' medicine chest. Impress your friends at the high school parking lot, the pump 'n' munch on the main drag, or the woods behind the rendering plant.
The F.U.'s - We're an American Band (from My America, 1983) - More of a sincere tribute to the Grand Funksters than a punk rock piss take, which makes sense considering the Boston hardcore outfit's (tongue-in-cheek yet controversial) rightward political slant at the time.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
flush the fashion (and the carburetor)
Armagideon Time favorite Mister Atom in 1947's Captain Marvel Adventures #78:
Armagideon Time favorite Mister Atom in 1978's Shazam! #33:
Further proof that whether one was a child, adult, or killer atomic robot, 1970's fashions were merciful to no one.
Jackie Brenston & His Delta Cats - Rocket 88 (from The Sun Records Story box set, 1994) - What some consider to be the first rock and roll song ever recorded was actually the work of Ike Turner's Kings of Rhythm, released in 1951 under saxophonist and vocalist Brenston's name for some arcane financial reason.
Girls at Our Best! - It's Fashion (from Pleasure, 1981) - Odd choral postpunk that could almost be mistaken for an outtake from the Penis Envy recording sessions.
Special Bonus: If the Sears Wish Book Racing Car Bed re-deco of Mr. Atom wasn't goofy enough, Shazam! #33 also features this bit of "is this for real or am I hallucinating?" sound effects insanity:
I don't know whether to laugh or cry...
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
she knows what boys like
From 1969’s Debbi’s Dates #3, a poetic fashion revue focusing on culottes.
Let me restate that last bit. A sequence. Told in verse. About skorts. Illustrated by the bastard child of Peter Max and Alphonse Mucha.
That’s like nine slices of heaven for a retrologist such as me. Forget All Star Superman, it’s things like the above page that remind me why I love comic books so darn much.
For no other reason than the original version of the song popped into my head when I first came across this four-color fashion revue, here are two rather misguided new wave takes on The Doors’ classic “Hello, I Love You.”
Missing Persons – Hello, I Love You (from Spring Session M, 1982) – There are several excellent tracks on this album, but this isn’t one of them. I like the underlying concept – recasting the raw emotive sexuality of the original version as cold, robotic new wave pop – but the execution left a lot to be desired, and it ends up simply feeling perfunctory and rushed. I respect Dale Bozzio for not losing her Medford accent when she sings, although it’s much more pronounced in “Words.” (“Can you he-yah me? Do you cay-yah?” Go Mustangs!)
Adam Ant – Hello, I Love You (from Friend or Foe, 1982) – Why, Adam, why? (This question also applies to any part of Adam's post-Ants career.)
The Cure also recorded a couple versions of the song, which appear on the Join the Dots collection of rarities and whatnot, but I’m not sadistic (or masochistic) enough to inflict them on you at this time.
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