you should want to hide

These are interesting times we live in, capable of turning the most sedate of souls into a honorary urban guerilla. Even if one has no intention of striking a blow against global capitalism by tossing a trashcan through the widow of a Starbucks or by pounding away on one's Authentic Anarchist Tribal Drum^TM at a protest march, there are many instances where concealing one's identity is absolutely vital.

We like to think that the courage of our convictions and righteousness of our actions are strong enough to bear close public scrutiny. However, even the staunchest soul will quail when the cashier at Trendo Records arches a pierced eyebrow in response to one's query about the release date of the new Danity Kane album.

There is no shame in using subterfuge when circumstances demand it. The guerilla is the fish that swims in the sea of the people, and it is crucial to realize that ideological purity must occasionally take a backseat to simple pragmatism.

Yes, you could deliver a stirring lecture on why your longstanding affection for Diane Lane is written in the heavens above, but odds are that your eloquence will be lost entirely on the smirking, pimply-faced goon at the ticket counter, and you run the risk of missing the first twenty minutes of Nights in Rodanthe, to boot.

It is far better to slip in under the cover of an adopted persona, something can allow to glide undetected amongst the masses. Something like a grizzled old prospector, or perhaps even Sir Walter Raleigh. This might seem like daunting undertaking for a newly awakened agent of change, but thankfully the countercultural gurus at 3M have issued this easy-to-follow manifesto on the art of disguise:



Simple, elegant, and most importantly, effective. Trust me on this, I speak from experience.

Ernie Smith - You Won't See Me (from Trojan Box Set: Beatles Tribute, 2005) - It's impossible to top pop perfection, but this reggae rendition of my favorite Fab Four track does a pretty admirable job with the source material...despite scraping up against the pilings during the chorus.

Groove Armada - If Everybody Looked the Same (from Vertigo, 2000) - Try making different tracks yourself -- It's fun figuring out all kinds of samples, fills, loops, and effects. And "Scotch" Cellophane tape holds the sound collage together like magic!

kids those days

The voice of white Protestant middle-class suburban youth, courtesy of Pat Boone #1 (September-October 1959):

Brought to you by Lucky Strikes!
By being a "teenager for life" does J.M.G. mean "I plan on living in my parents' house, working a part-time minimum wage service job, and suffering from wild mood swings until I die of old age?"

New experiences and challenges -- such as trying to sneak into your second floor bedroom at two in the morning while blitzed on lemon gin or trying to find a decent backroom abortionist after the football captain "forgot" to disengage on time.

"You'll appreciate your time you've spent in locked Mommy's Evil Clown Closet when you have kids of your own. In fact, you'll be calling Mommy for advice on how to inflict maximum emotional trauma through greasepainted nightmares after you've been saddled with the hellish fruit of boozy, unprotected, marital sex with an emotionally distant spouse. So suck it up -- God hates weaklings and whiners."

Pet hippo-what? Were the Prexies (as Boone's fans called themselves) ahead of the subcultual curve regarding hallucinogenic drug use?

"I had the most ginchy trip last night! The world turned into a giant Leavittown with not a trace of dirt or enthicity to be seen! Things turned a bit unpleasant, though, when I saw a little speck on my fingernail, and I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed in vain to remove it. When I snapped out of it, I was covered in blood and sitting on top of the corpses of my parents and siblings."

Ah, the joys of youth.

Eddie & The Hot Rods - Teenage Depression (from Teenage Depression, 1976) - They called it pub rock. I call it punk as fuck.

The Adverts - Bored Teenagers (from Crossing the Red Sea with The Adverts, 1978) - Ever stood on the beach while a storm front came rolling in? The skies turn dark, the barometric pressure drops, and the air cools. The wind picks up, the waves turn nasty, and low rumbles of thunder can be heard in the distance. It's an awe-inspiring and occasionally terrifying experience.

That's how I feel whenever I listen to The Adverts' first album.

can't help wondering where I stand

Today is something of a proud day for me, as a routine check of the referral logs has revealed that Armagideon Time is currently the #1 Google result for "how to tell if you are wasting your time on a man."

Eat my dust, Dr. Phil!

I suppose that celestial concordance of specific phrasing and keyword usage obligates me to address the problem in question. With mild power comes mild responsibility, after all. While I do not possess any fancy formal training or a string of high-falutin' degrees, I do have a modicum of empirical wisdom which can be brought to bear upon the matter.

According to the immortal Bard (in Sonnet 116, which was incorporated into our wedding vows):

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken

It sounds lovely and dreamy, but it's actually a load of horseshit. Horsehit that smells like roses, but horseshit nonetheless. True love is a paradox, a mutagenic constant that threads all manner of alterations and revisions around and about the ever-fixed mark of loyalty and affection.

In the initial goo-goo eyes phase, one's beloved can do no wrong. In the infatuation hangover phase, the little and not-so-little flaws begin to reveal themselves. Providing that the bonds of devotion weather the stresses of reality, things settle into a pattern of acceptance of your partner's less desirable quirks and the conscious or unconscious attempt to control your own. It's not a perfect process, nor does it immunize you from the occasional dust up, but there is a sense of "US" which overrides two distinct or oppositional "MEs."

Or she realizes that you're never going to quit being a prick and you realize that she's never going to ditch those pain-in-the-ass friends of hers, and you go your separate ways. It can be a tough call to make, but there's no point in prolonging things when it's clear that the two of you will never, ever be on the same page. It's best to face things honestly...and by that I mean "not screwing up a good thing because I'm a restless, self-absorbed shitheel devoid of any sense of honor."

It all comes down to my dad's advice on vice, a maxim that also applies to romance: "If it brings you more pain than pleasure, it's time to give it up."

The Daughters of Eve - Don't Waste My Time (from a 1967 single) - In Narnia, where garages are few and far between, it's called "wardrobe rock."

Grassella Oliphant - Get out of My Life, Woman (from The Grass Is Greener, 1967) - Exorcism through funk. The power of the groove compels you.

it's just a passing phase

From the "Dear Josie" advice column in Josie & The Pussycats #73 (December 1973), a poignant look at the problems facing yesterday's youth:


Wow. Josie takes the "tough love" approach to a whole new level. The quotation marks around "groovy" and "bells" give the proceedings a certain Jack Webb je ne sais quoi:

"Flares," "bells," "Bolivian boot-cuts" -- cute "with it" names for something as insidious as communist ideology. You kids need to realize that crimes against fashion are no laughing matter.

While Josie's rather harsh response to poor L.J. overlooked the possibility that kids can be capriciously cruel to their peers, I do concur that wearing bell bottoms is never the solution.

Sparks - Angst in My Pants (from Angst in My Pants, 1982) - This fine slice of quirky new wave pop was inspired by Kierkegaard's Edifying Discourses on the Dread Associated with One's Trousers Tenting Up at Inopportune Moments (itself a response to Hegel's Wissenschaft der Kameltoe).

Orbital - Pants (from The Blue Album, 2004) - This is one of two trouserly tracks featured on Orbital's final album. (The other track, "Acid Pants," was done in collaboration with -- surprise, surprise -- Sparks. Such is the power of pants-love.)

First Choice - Smarty Pants (from Armed and Extremely Dangerous, 1973) - The first days of disco.

now they're hunting around

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Perhaps this will help:

(Click to find what you are truly looking for.)
If you can't trust Debbi's Dates #2 (June-July 1969) for help with your love life, who can you trust?

The Bay City Rollers - That's Where the Boys Are (from Ricochet, 1981) - In which the the unbridled euphoria of "Saturday Night" gives way to a whopping Sunday morning hangover.

Karen Kamon - Manhunt (from the Flashdance OST, 1983) - A bit of Benatardian (or Blondiesque?) pop rock fluff with a vaguely empowering gender role reversal message. I would not, under any circumstances, suggest that one take dating advice from the Manhunt videogame, as most people do not respond well to woo pitched via a rusty knife stealthily inserted between their ribs.

The Revillos - Where's the Boy for Me? (from a 1979 single; collected on the reissue of Rev Up, 1980) - What difference does swapping a single consonant make? Not much, in the case of The Rezillos/Revillos, apart from some minor line-up changes and a slightly poppier tenor to the band's retro sound.

Friday Night Fights: Don't Fear the Leaper

Because this installment of Bahlactus's weekly four-color free-for-all happens to fall on February 29, I though it proper to celebrate the intercalary squaring of the temporal books known as a "leap year" with some bona fide leaping.

Monsieur Batroc, would care to do the honors?

(from Captain America #303, March 1985; by Mike Carlin, Paul Neary, and Dennis Janke)
Le temps est un grand maître, dit-on, le malheur est qu'il tue ses élèves. - Hector Berlioz

The Lambrettas - Leap Before You Look (from Beat Boys in the Jet Age, 1980) - Questionable advice (especially when Star-Spangled Avengers are involved) from these mod revivalists, but a quite nifty song nonetheless.

(Edit: Great minds think alike, as do comics-addled ones.)