what a beautiful feeling

The writing is on the wall for the Summer of 2008, "the summer that really wasn't." Already the leaves on the patio cherry tree are staring to fall, and there has been an undeniable crispness to the air these past few nights. Granted this is New England I'm talking about, so the possibility of a suffocating Indian summer shouldn't yet be dismissed, but the present vibe is leaning heavily toward "autumnal."

I suppose I could lament the passing of the season, which came and went without even registering on my consciousness, but this is the first Sunday in a month that hasn't been marked by the violent thunderstorms which have rolled across the Northeast for the past eight weeks. The skies above the highlands are currently a dazzling blue, the sun is shining through the trees out back, and if there is harvest season tang to the air, it only strengthens the urge to enjoy it while it lasts.

With that in mind, here's a mini-mix of psychdelic pop nuggets ideal for lazy Sunday lounging on the patio, fire escape, or wherever the sun is warm and the breezes are cool.

Donovan - Atlantis (from Barabajagal, 1969) - I'd be able to listen to Coast to Coast AM if sounded more like this. A ladle full of dreamy folk-rock makes the paranormal bullshit slide down easier. My question is: Did Donovan's Atlanteans blaze a trail for the little people of Stonehenge?

Tommy James & The Shondells - Crimson and Clover (7" version) (from Anthology, 1989) - Better than "Strawberry Fields Forever"? Yes, it's the greatest pop song ever recorded and nothing you or anyone else might say will change my mind.

The Byrds - Eight Miles High (from Fifth Dimension, 1966) - Maura on the twelve-string guitar wizardy -- an attempt to emulate the style of John Coltrane's saxophone playing -- employed by Roger McGuinn on this track: "It sounds like the flickering of flames." An apt description, even though she really doesn't care for the song, or psychedelia in general. (It's okay, I knew she was a no nonsense punk/pop purist when I proposed to her.)

get outta my way

Having cemented my status as a somewhat well-regarded niche blogger with a daily readership in the upper three digit range, I have decided it is time for me to further expand my media micronation by branching out into the lucrative world of webcomics.

One of the strategic advantages of working in that particular medium is that a lack of talent or an actual knack for humor poses no obstacle to success. Sure, one could take the thought and effort to create something that soars above the sea of mediocrity, but why bother when advertising revenues and a legion of zealous readers can be had by following a simple formula for success?

With that in mind, I present to you, my dear readers, an advance sneak preview of Webcomic^TM:

Gags about Jar Jar Binks, Ben Grimm's penis, and arcane Dungeons & Dragons rules never get tired, honest!

As a member of a codified and commercialized subculture, you owe it to the world to share your self-satisfied "edgy" observations with those who only dream of such glory. (Goth characters are an especially favored vector.)

Enlightened attitudes about respect and tolerance are fine and all, but fag jokes are an evergreen crowd pleaser for the prized 15-45 year old petit conservative manchild demographic. If done correctly, any criticism regarding the patent offensiveness of such "humor" can be passed off under the rubric of being politically incorrect or shouted down by a fan chorus of accusations that the critic "can't take a joke."

In real life, people who willfully engage in a pattern of dickish behavior are rightfully shunned. In the world of webcomics, characters prone to cracking jokes about tossing kittens in woodchippers or poisoning cans of baby formula become the stuff the vicarious nerd-dreams are made of, as they offer frustrated individuals with megalomanical tendencies someone to identify with even as they kowtow to their real-life bosses, parents, or significant others.

Finally, there is one all-important element that no standard template webcomic should be without...

The sassy and sexy -- yet nerd-accessible -- brunette.

Svelte of figure and sharp of tongue, she is more often than not prone to outbursts of comedic violence and acts as the delivery system for cynical wit. For those wishing to change things up a bit, the stock archetype can be expanded to include Asian (alone or in pairs), goth, or redhead variants, or perhaps any and all of the above. That such a character is a creature of fantasy on par with unicorns and jabberwocks matters less than the fact that she is a creature of a particularly marketable fantasy, the "the ideal imaginary girlfriend."

By cosmetically tinkering with the above five panels, I will be able to generate enough material to cover the first three years of a daily published strip. (Or five years, should I decide to run an extended story arc in which a supporting character suffers a horrible tragedy that will allow the lead characters to indulge in consequence free angst-by-proxy while tricking my readers into thinking I'm the next Leo Tolstoy.)

Easy Street, here I come!

The Byrds - So You Want To Be A Rock 'n' Roll Star (from Younger Than Yesterday, 1967) - It sounds like a really great time...until you choke on your own vomit in a Des Moines motel room after playing a twenty year reunion show at the state fair.

The Invaders - Best Thing I Ever Did (from a 1979 single) - And who am I to argue with these West Yorkshire power poppers?

city of fitful dreams

Decades before Carol Danvers and Billy Batson graced the City on the Hill with their sequentially artsy presences, the cast of Winsor McCay's pioneering comic strip, Little Nemo in Slumberland, made a brief stopover in the magical land of Bahstin.

Here's the highlight reel from that 1911 visit:

First up, an aerial flyby to assess the terrain, complete with the requisite comments about the confusing layout of the roads. Certainly a wise course of action, though perhaps best done without addition of a racist caricature.

(Unlike certain other lesser cities, Boston's street plan is the result of organic growth over the space of nearly four hundred years of continuous habitation. This might lack the centrally planned clarity of a regular grid of prefab developments laid over the bulldozed remains of an orange grove, but it's the price one pays for an authentic sense of regional history.)

The oddly-shaped spit of land above the gentleman on the right's chapeau is old Columbia Point, back in the days when it housed a sewage plant and a city dump, and before the peninsula was jacketed into a seawall and became the location of my scrappy (and only slightly dumpy) alma mater.

The next stop on the itinerary is the Old South Meeting House on Washington Street, which is neither the Old South Church nor the location where the "one if by land, two if by sea" lanterns associated with Revere's ride were hung. (That happened at the Old North Church. I have no idea why you outsiders get so confused when you ask for directions.)

The Massachusetts State House, curiously denuded of all surrounding landmarks, marks the final leg of the tour. Contrary to what McCay would have the reader believe, the crowd below have not gathered to watch the arrival of the intrepid explorers, but to witness the latest scandal in which the Speaker of the House has been embroiled -- an occurrence so reliable and predictable, in fact, that it has replaced the atomic clock as the standard for timekeeping in the Commonwealth.

Charlie Flaherty, then Tom Finneran, now Sal DiMasi -- what is it about the job that causes the suspension of professional ethics and integrity? The entrenched remnants of the local political machine culture emboldened by the fact that Massachusetts is essentially a one-party state? Or that the Speaker's gavel is some eldritch Lovecraftean artifact that channels corrupting impulses into those who wield it? (I suspect it involves a bit of both theories.)

Having moored their Art Nouveau airship to Boston Common's famous Pee Tree (so named, as a crazy street person once informed me, because "some dude just peed on it"), the crew sets out to gather provisions for their journey to Montreal (which has better strip clubs and a lower drinking age than Beantown does, as well as Lay's Smoky Bacon potato chips).

There are few things as lovely as a toasted slice of Boston brown bread (a.k.a. "the bread that comes in a can") smothered in butter, but Flip demonstrates a painful lack of awareness in the the gastro-intestinal symbiosis between brown bread and baked beans. The high fiber content of the beans is required to offset the sweet sludginess of the brown bread. Five thousand loaves eaten on their own will only lead to a colon impacted with neutron star densities of molasses-heavy waste material.

At least it will make for an interesting voyage to Quebec. I just hope the airship has more than one lavatory onboard.

The Byrds - Boston (from The Preflyte Sessions, 2001) - Recorded before the band hit their folk rock stride, this track demonstrates a strong early Beatles influence -- and by "early Beatles," I mean "Chuck Berry."

Friend and Lover - Boston Is a Lovely Town (from Reach Out of the Darkness, 1968) - Non-specific praise is groovy!

resistance of memory

(from Marshal Law #6, April 1989; by Pat Mills and Kevin O'Neill)
Memory is useless if it fails to engender wisdom.

The Pogues - The Band Played Waltzing Matilda (from Rum Sodomy & the Lash, 1985)

"Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose" - Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr

knew this was a big mistake

Today, we're going to take a musically annotated trip through some of the more interesting ads found within the pages of 1985's Legion of Substitute Heroes Special #1. The comic is a farcical romp starring the 30th Century's most famous also-rans. Most of the humor is more "funny huh" than "funny ha-ha," and presumes that the reader is familiar with LSH minutae, but it does feature some fine art by Keith Giffen (working his unmatched José Muñoz-cribbing mojo).

It's not the type of thing I'd suggest as recommended reading, as those of you who are interested in that sort of thing most likely already read it and those of you who aren't couldn't give two shits about an in-joke-heavy superhero humor comic published twenty-three years ago. Besides, it's not the actual content that we're going to take a look at today, but some lovely enticements for iffy goods and services.

First up is the 1985 Triple Crown winner of the Consumer Fraud, Violation of Animal Protection Statutes, and Personal Liability Lawsuit stakes...

Nothing brings the funny like placing a irritable venomous reptile on your algebra teacher's chair. It's all in good fun, right?

"Freightening," indeed.

Duran Duran - Union of the Snake (from Seven and the Ragged Tiger, 1983) - The end of the line as far as my interest in the band goes, with heavily qualified exception made for "View to a Kill" solely due to its unremitting cheesiness.

I bought my copy of SATRT at a used record store in the winter of 1992. The previous owner had pressed some maple leaves between the inner and outer sleeves. A sweet gesture, but by the time I had come into possession of the LP, the leaves had been pulverized into a fine dust that managed to insinuate itself into every nook and cranny of my bedroom when I went to play the record.

Hvng trbl wth yr nglsh? Mb ths dmn vwls r t blm. Lt ths flks hlp u.

I cn hz a fwnks lssn? N thy sy cmix rdrs r ltrt....

The Noble Knights - Sing a Simple Song (from the What It Is! Funky Soul And Rare Grooves:1967-1977 box set, 2006) - Sly Stone wrote it, King Curtis produced it, you need to listen to it.

You may have hear of needle exchanges, the controversial but forward-thinking programs designed to minimize health risks associated with intravenous drug use. That's all well and good if you're a heroin addict, but what about the poor souls who have been stuck with a backlog of terrible puns, knock-knock jokes, and stale one liners? What options do they have?

"I'll trade you a drag-and-drop ethnic joke for two gags about mothers-in-law." "Throw in a coarse scatalogical pun and we have a deal."

I've found that it's easier to get my jokes from the uncut, pink, sugary source.

The Beau Brummels - Laugh, Laugh (from Introducing the Beau Brummels, 1965) - From the San Francisco folk-rock act's pre-giant-waterfowl period.

Our final featured ad asks a very important question:


I guess my answer would be:

"An interesting footnote in Japanese history that has been romaticized and mythologized by westerner boy-men with leanings toward ex oriente lux attitudes and fetishes for martial arts weapons. Due to media hyper-saturation, whatever aura of coolness ninjas possessed has long-since evaporated, leaving behind just another irritating hipster/fanboy cliché."

The London Funk Allstars - How to Be a Ninja in One Easy Lesson (from Flesh Eating Disco Zombies Vs the Bionic Hookers from Mars, 1996) - Finally, a trip hop album made specifically with Chris Sims in mind.

So concludes today's journey though the comic ads of yesteryear. So, Noseless Pulsar Stargrave, having seen what goods and services were being pitched to comics readers in the mid-eighties, how do you feel about comics fans now?


That's a little harsh, though I can totally see where you're coming from.

let me show you once and we'll be free

Hey, groovy readers, can you figure out...


Answer: Not only was the bus on time, but it's the middle of August and the air conditioner is working properly.

Answer: These lively lads are playing outside, getting plenty of fresh air and exercise instead of sitting on the rumpus room couch playing Halo 3 and stuffing their faces with junk food.

Answer: The driver of the car was able to effectively respond to an unexpected situation because she doesn't use her cell phone while driving.

Answer: The community still maintains public trash receptacles, instead of earkmarking those funds toward extortionate tax breaks for condo developers and multinational corporations.

Answer: None of the students in the above picture are carrying a concealed weapon or murder list, nor has anyone uttered a homophobic insult during the entire course of the event depicted.

The Jesus and Mary Chain - Something's Wrong (from Psychocandy, 1985) - I'll say. It sounds like someone stuck a meat skewer though my subwoofer. Wait, that buzzdrone I'm hearing is intentional and considered to be the band's signature sound? The devil you say!

The Byrds - It Won't Be Wrong (from Turn! Turn! Turn! 1965) - How could it be, when twelve-string jangles and dead perfect folk rock harmonies are involved?

Halloween Countdown: October 8 – you've got to pick up every stitch

Today we have an excerpt from "The Diabolist Method of Classroom Discipline in Practice: An Illustrated Case Study" by M.F. Stopheles. Ed.D; from Parapsychological Theories in Education, Autumn 1972 issue) :

Step 1: Diagnose the source of disorder.

Step 2: Consult the writings of the thrice-damned rulers of the netherworld in framing a suitable response. Remember to follow standard safety protocols -- protective goggles, warding circles, Satanic apron -- while conducting your forbidden rites.

Step 3: Administer the means of unholy retribution. It is vital that you remember that this method of discipline works best if your students are unaware that you are practicing it. While a viridian bolt of flesh-searing eldritch energy lobbed in the direction of a habitual note-passer will make a dramatic impression on your charges, it may very well create more problems than it solves.

Providing that you've properly phrased your demonic pacts, and followed the instructions in the arcane codices to the letter (or "rune," depending on the text), the results should not be long in coming:

Of course, proportionality is key, though standards of acceptable discipline may vary from district to district. (Ironically, the more religiously devout a community is, the greater its tolerance for harsh punishments, as long as one remains circumspect about the source of one's power.)

Generally speaking, however, you will find that successful results will speak for themselves, especially in today's cultural and political climate.

(Images taken from "Assignment in Fear" from Chilling Adventures in Sorcery as Told by Sabrina #1; September, 1972 -- a comic that dares to answer the question "What would an issue of EC's Vault of Horror look like if it was drawn in the Archie house style?" The answer is "pretty effing bizarre.")

Donovan - Season of the Witch (from Sunshine Superman, 1966) - Do you think Plant, Page, and Company were big fans of this track? Compare the first minute or so of "Season of the Witch" to that of "Ramble On," and you'll see what I mean.

(Edit: As aTom Ten pointed out in the comments, future Led Zeppelin members John Paul Jones and Jimmy Page were involved in the recording of the song, which would explain the similarities. The AMG write-up on the song has all the details. And thus I have come one step closer in my quest for the Unified Field Theory of Classic Rock. Jeff Lynne is the key to unlocking it, I just know it.)

Specimen - Hex (from Wet Warm Cling-Film Red Velvet Crush, 1997) - A delightful bit 80's goth pop, despite the fact that the song's title reminds me of my inability to locate a copy of this much sought-after cinematic oddity. A supernatural-themed biker/western flick set in the immediate post-World War I period? I must see this film.

Screamin' Jay Hawkins - I Put a Spell on You (from I Put a Spell on You, 1958) - And so great is its power, there shall be no saving throws for half damage.

Vacation: Day 9 – It’s over, it’s over

On this, the last day of my vacation, I’d like to take a moment and reflect on the lessons learned over the past week or so.

1. Toilets may be cleaned, but the stain on one’s soul lingers.

2. Target brand junk food can make me just as ill as the name brand variety, and at half the price.

3. There is a little bit of Xanadu in all of us.

4. Cosmic Cubes do not ask for a gratuity, nor do they rub smelly fixatives into one’s scalp.

5. It’s important to place a “fee payments shall not be made in rodent and/or bird carcasses” clause into a cat condo association charter.

6a. When dating a guy like Buddy, it’s important to have the burn trauma unit on speed dial.

6b. There’s a reason so many superheroes are millionaires or friends of millionaires.

7. I could always nap at work.

8. Are we having fun yet? No? I guess it’s time to break out the thumbscrews and vial of hydrochloric acid then.

The Insane – Last Day (from Punk and Disorderly, 1982) - UK82 punk and nuclear dread -- like Rogers and Astaire.

The Byrds - It's All Over Now, Baby Blue (from the 1996 reissue of 1965's Turn! Turn! Turn! LP) - Some may find this heretical, but I enjoy The Byrds' covers of Bob Dylan's songs more than I enjoy the originals.