get outta my way

Having cemented my status as a somewhat well-regarded niche blogger with a daily readership in the upper three digit range, I have decided it is time for me to further expand my media micronation by branching out into the lucrative world of webcomics.

One of the strategic advantages of working in that particular medium is that a lack of talent or an actual knack for humor poses no obstacle to success. Sure, one could take the thought and effort to create something that soars above the sea of mediocrity, but why bother when advertising revenues and a legion of zealous readers can be had by following a simple formula for success?

With that in mind, I present to you, my dear readers, an advance sneak preview of Webcomic^TM:

Gags about Jar Jar Binks, Ben Grimm's penis, and arcane Dungeons & Dragons rules never get tired, honest!

As a member of a codified and commercialized subculture, you owe it to the world to share your self-satisfied "edgy" observations with those who only dream of such glory. (Goth characters are an especially favored vector.)

Enlightened attitudes about respect and tolerance are fine and all, but fag jokes are an evergreen crowd pleaser for the prized 15-45 year old petit conservative manchild demographic. If done correctly, any criticism regarding the patent offensiveness of such "humor" can be passed off under the rubric of being politically incorrect or shouted down by a fan chorus of accusations that the critic "can't take a joke."

In real life, people who willfully engage in a pattern of dickish behavior are rightfully shunned. In the world of webcomics, characters prone to cracking jokes about tossing kittens in woodchippers or poisoning cans of baby formula become the stuff the vicarious nerd-dreams are made of, as they offer frustrated individuals with megalomanical tendencies someone to identify with even as they kowtow to their real-life bosses, parents, or significant others.

Finally, there is one all-important element that no standard template webcomic should be without...

The sassy and sexy -- yet nerd-accessible -- brunette.

Svelte of figure and sharp of tongue, she is more often than not prone to outbursts of comedic violence and acts as the delivery system for cynical wit. For those wishing to change things up a bit, the stock archetype can be expanded to include Asian (alone or in pairs), goth, or redhead variants, or perhaps any and all of the above. That such a character is a creature of fantasy on par with unicorns and jabberwocks matters less than the fact that she is a creature of a particularly marketable fantasy, the "the ideal imaginary girlfriend."

By cosmetically tinkering with the above five panels, I will be able to generate enough material to cover the first three years of a daily published strip. (Or five years, should I decide to run an extended story arc in which a supporting character suffers a horrible tragedy that will allow the lead characters to indulge in consequence free angst-by-proxy while tricking my readers into thinking I'm the next Leo Tolstoy.)

Easy Street, here I come!

The Byrds - So You Want To Be A Rock 'n' Roll Star (from Younger Than Yesterday, 1967) - It sounds like a really great time...until you choke on your own vomit in a Des Moines motel room after playing a twenty year reunion show at the state fair.

The Invaders - Best Thing I Ever Did (from a 1979 single) - And who am I to argue with these West Yorkshire power poppers?