time goes by so slowly

Pay attention, cats and kittens, because I'm only going to go through this once. This is how Miss Melody Lane...

ENUNCIATES
PARKS HER ASS
EXERCISES
FREESTYLES
LANDS A COVETED ROLE
This will be included on the final exam. For additional research, I will refer you to Miss Melody Lane of Broadway, a 1950 comic series concerning a small town girl (livin' in a lonely world, naturally) who took the midnight train and found herself caught up in a nightmare world populated by the likes of Ed Sullivan, Eddie Cantor, and Guy Lombardo.

Brrrrr. It gives me chills just thinking about it.

Gene Vincent and The Blue Caps - Unchained Melody (from Gene Vincent and His Blue Caps, 1957) - Having endured the whole pottery fetish/Whoopi Goldberg/Righteous Brothers-fueled nightmare that was the Ghost phenomenon, I'm pretty confident in saying that I never need to ever hear this oft-covered romantic pop standard ever again.

If I did have to listen to the song again, however, this rockabilly-tinged interpretation would be the way to go.

Halloween Countdown: October 8 – you've got to pick up every stitch

Today we have an excerpt from "The Diabolist Method of Classroom Discipline in Practice: An Illustrated Case Study" by M.F. Stopheles. Ed.D; from Parapsychological Theories in Education, Autumn 1972 issue) :

Step 1: Diagnose the source of disorder.

Step 2: Consult the writings of the thrice-damned rulers of the netherworld in framing a suitable response. Remember to follow standard safety protocols -- protective goggles, warding circles, Satanic apron -- while conducting your forbidden rites.

Step 3: Administer the means of unholy retribution. It is vital that you remember that this method of discipline works best if your students are unaware that you are practicing it. While a viridian bolt of flesh-searing eldritch energy lobbed in the direction of a habitual note-passer will make a dramatic impression on your charges, it may very well create more problems than it solves.

Providing that you've properly phrased your demonic pacts, and followed the instructions in the arcane codices to the letter (or "rune," depending on the text), the results should not be long in coming:

Of course, proportionality is key, though standards of acceptable discipline may vary from district to district. (Ironically, the more religiously devout a community is, the greater its tolerance for harsh punishments, as long as one remains circumspect about the source of one's power.)

Generally speaking, however, you will find that successful results will speak for themselves, especially in today's cultural and political climate.

(Images taken from "Assignment in Fear" from Chilling Adventures in Sorcery as Told by Sabrina #1; September, 1972 -- a comic that dares to answer the question "What would an issue of EC's Vault of Horror look like if it was drawn in the Archie house style?" The answer is "pretty effing bizarre.")

Donovan - Season of the Witch (from Sunshine Superman, 1966) - Do you think Plant, Page, and Company were big fans of this track? Compare the first minute or so of "Season of the Witch" to that of "Ramble On," and you'll see what I mean.

(Edit: As aTom Ten pointed out in the comments, future Led Zeppelin members John Paul Jones and Jimmy Page were involved in the recording of the song, which would explain the similarities. The AMG write-up on the song has all the details. And thus I have come one step closer in my quest for the Unified Field Theory of Classic Rock. Jeff Lynne is the key to unlocking it, I just know it.)

Specimen - Hex (from Wet Warm Cling-Film Red Velvet Crush, 1997) - A delightful bit 80's goth pop, despite the fact that the song's title reminds me of my inability to locate a copy of this much sought-after cinematic oddity. A supernatural-themed biker/western flick set in the immediate post-World War I period? I must see this film.

Screamin' Jay Hawkins - I Put a Spell on You (from I Put a Spell on You, 1958) - And so great is its power, there shall be no saving throws for half damage.