knew this was a big mistake

Today, we're going to take a musically annotated trip through some of the more interesting ads found within the pages of 1985's Legion of Substitute Heroes Special #1. The comic is a farcical romp starring the 30th Century's most famous also-rans. Most of the humor is more "funny huh" than "funny ha-ha," and presumes that the reader is familiar with LSH minutae, but it does feature some fine art by Keith Giffen (working his unmatched José Muñoz-cribbing mojo).

It's not the type of thing I'd suggest as recommended reading, as those of you who are interested in that sort of thing most likely already read it and those of you who aren't couldn't give two shits about an in-joke-heavy superhero humor comic published twenty-three years ago. Besides, it's not the actual content that we're going to take a look at today, but some lovely enticements for iffy goods and services.

First up is the 1985 Triple Crown winner of the Consumer Fraud, Violation of Animal Protection Statutes, and Personal Liability Lawsuit stakes...

Nothing brings the funny like placing a irritable venomous reptile on your algebra teacher's chair. It's all in good fun, right?

"Freightening," indeed.

Duran Duran - Union of the Snake (from Seven and the Ragged Tiger, 1983) - The end of the line as far as my interest in the band goes, with heavily qualified exception made for "View to a Kill" solely due to its unremitting cheesiness.

I bought my copy of SATRT at a used record store in the winter of 1992. The previous owner had pressed some maple leaves between the inner and outer sleeves. A sweet gesture, but by the time I had come into possession of the LP, the leaves had been pulverized into a fine dust that managed to insinuate itself into every nook and cranny of my bedroom when I went to play the record.

Hvng trbl wth yr nglsh? Mb ths dmn vwls r t blm. Lt ths flks hlp u.

I cn hz a fwnks lssn? N thy sy cmix rdrs r ltrt....

The Noble Knights - Sing a Simple Song (from the What It Is! Funky Soul And Rare Grooves:1967-1977 box set, 2006) - Sly Stone wrote it, King Curtis produced it, you need to listen to it.

You may have hear of needle exchanges, the controversial but forward-thinking programs designed to minimize health risks associated with intravenous drug use. That's all well and good if you're a heroin addict, but what about the poor souls who have been stuck with a backlog of terrible puns, knock-knock jokes, and stale one liners? What options do they have?

"I'll trade you a drag-and-drop ethnic joke for two gags about mothers-in-law." "Throw in a coarse scatalogical pun and we have a deal."

I've found that it's easier to get my jokes from the uncut, pink, sugary source.

The Beau Brummels - Laugh, Laugh (from Introducing the Beau Brummels, 1965) - From the San Francisco folk-rock act's pre-giant-waterfowl period.

Our final featured ad asks a very important question:


I guess my answer would be:

"An interesting footnote in Japanese history that has been romaticized and mythologized by westerner boy-men with leanings toward ex oriente lux attitudes and fetishes for martial arts weapons. Due to media hyper-saturation, whatever aura of coolness ninjas possessed has long-since evaporated, leaving behind just another irritating hipster/fanboy cliché."

The London Funk Allstars - How to Be a Ninja in One Easy Lesson (from Flesh Eating Disco Zombies Vs the Bionic Hookers from Mars, 1996) - Finally, a trip hop album made specifically with Chris Sims in mind.

So concludes today's journey though the comic ads of yesteryear. So, Noseless Pulsar Stargrave, having seen what goods and services were being pitched to comics readers in the mid-eighties, how do you feel about comics fans now?


That's a little harsh, though I can totally see where you're coming from.