feed your head

While I've used the above cover to The Unexpected #202 (September 1980) in at least two previous posts, I've actually never managed to get around to discussing the actual story to which it loosely refers. It's a grevious omission on my part, and one I plan on rectifying in today's special Easter installment of Armagideon Time.

Written by Michael Uslan and illustrated by Terry Henson, "Hopping Down the Bunny Trail" begins with the residents of Anytown, USA wondering about a mysterious advertising blitz for an Easter Egg hunt being held at the local Place of Ill Omen^TM. While some parents have questions about the whos and whys behind the event...

...they are quickly shamed into silence by their less intellectually curious peers, who just assume that the municipal government is behind the proceedings.

After the Doubting Thomases have been convinced to put their faith in the City Council ahead of parental concern, the kids are sent off to join in the festivities and indulge in a moment of heavy-duty, low-grade horror comic story foreshadowing:

Upon arriving at the abandoned mansion, the children are greeted by the the Easter Bunny himself, a jovial lagomorphic nightmare who tempts them inside his secret lair with offers of candy and presents and strange mutterings about "nine days, three hours, and two minutes"...

The tykes let their greed (or stupidity, considering how vulgar Darwinism tends to be the motivation du jour for characters in cheapjack horror comics) overcome years of warnings delivered via filmstrips, after-school specials, and parental lectures about taking presents from talking animals (or even worse, from furries), and go gallivanting through the dark, bat-infested ruin in search of ovoid booty.

Things take a strange turn, however, when the kids fall into a concealed pit and land in a vat of chocolate sauce. This would normally be the point where a person with a fully functioning fight-or-flight reflex might tumble onto the notion that perhaps the Easter Bunny has his own separate agenda that goes beyond simply bringing joy to the children of Anytown. Not these kids, though, who seem to take it all in wide-eyed stride...

..until it's too late to make a difference, that is...

Now some of you might be wondering how the act of mastic decapitation performed upon a confectionary effigy could justify a similar action taken against a living being. The answer is deeply rooted in the Lapinite world view, which does not differentiate between the symbolic and the actual when it comes to assessing transgressions and assigning consequences. This aspect of lagomorphic culture was also the reason behind the global outbreak of violent rabbit protests following the publication of Beatrix Potter's manuscripts.

Lest the ersatz irony of that harsh (though cultural relativists may object to that description) act of retribution be lost on the readers, the writer and artist were considerate enough to restate it in the concluding panel, which in keeping with genre conventions possesses all the delicate subtlety of a grand piano dropped from a third-story roof.


If you thought that was creepy, you should have seen the sick plan for revenge the marshmallow Peeps staged that year.

The Damned - White Rabbit (Extended Version) (from the 1991 CD reissue of 1979's Machine Gun Ettiquette LP) - The Damned take Jefferson Airplane out for a spin and it turns out to be a quite groovy -- if slightly wobbly -- trip, indeed.

the little bunny wanted to kill everyone

Easter is a big event here at Armagideon Time HQ, not because of the religious aspects (I’m an atheist and the wife is an “accomplished” – meaning she doesn’t feel the need to practice anymore – Catholic), but because of the opportunity to celebrate all things lagomorphic. I knew going in to this relationship that rabbits would always play a big part of my wife’s life. Currently we have nine of the little critters: a clan of rex rabbits that live and play together in two big cages, and an elderly rabbit handed off to us by a co-worker’s family. Rabbit-themed nick-knacks and toys can be found in every corner of our house and garden, from statues to weathervanes to stuffed animals to netsuke.

The bunnies figured large into our home-buying decision. When we toured the wrecked shell of our future home, we saw the small half-bedroom at the top of the second floor landing and simultaneously said “This would be a perfect place for the rabbits.” I don’t have a computer room, but our rabbits have their own bedroom.

My wife just reminded me that early on in our relationship, when we were “friends with potential,” she named one of her pet rabbits “Otto,” which was my punk rock name and a subtle hint about her feelings towards me. When I ended up asking another girl in our social circle out instead, she says she used to look at the rabbit and mutter “What a stupid name.” It all worked out in the end, though. Such is the power of bunny magic.

(The shared name also led to some odd situations, like the time she was explaining to friends about she got a cut on her lip: “Otto was jumping around on the bed like a wild man, and kicked me in the face.” The looks those people gave me…)

In the name of General Holly, Oswald, and Hoppy the Marvel Bunny, I have pulled from my musical top hat this small sampler of bun-iferous tracks.

King Missile – The Bunny Song (from They, 1988) – There is a real darkness beneath the fuzzy, cuddly surface that the rabbit race does not wish mankind to know about. Until it’s too late…

The Damned – White Rabbit (from Machine Gun Ettiquette, 1979) – Brilliantly wrong.

Los Gatos Negros – Hey Hey Bunny (from the Le Beat Bespoke compilation, 2004) – This compilation of “Swinging London” 1960’s dance tracks has quickly become one of my favorite albums of all time.

PINE*am – Pull the Rabbit Ears (from Pull the Rabbit Ears, 2005) – Cute song, terrible advice. Rabbit teeth aren’t that sharp, but they can bite with the force of an industrial stapler.

(A pre-emptive “Yes, I’m aware of it” to UNKLE’s “Rabbit in Your Headlights” and the Throwing Muses’ “Rabbits Dying”.)