12 Days of Christmas - Day 5: polar opposites

BALI, Indonesia - The initial high hopes of those committed to resolving the global warming issue experienced an embarrassing setback at the U.N. climate change conference last week, as sibling rivalries led to an intractable deadlock between two delegates whose cooperation has been deemed vital to establishing an effective policy.

(An artist's rendering of the confrontation.)
The sibling delegates in question are the Miser brothers. Mr. Snow Miser has long been a staunch supporter of the Kyoto Protocols, as the accelerated shrinking of the polar ice caps directly affects his traditional standard of living. However, previous statements by the self-proclaimed "Mr. Icicle" that he "never wants to know a day that's over 40 degrees [Fahrenheit]" has caused some concern even among other Kyoto supporters, and provided his estranged brother, Mr. Heat Miser, an opportunity to dismiss the treaty as the work of environmental extremists. "I'd rather have it 80, 90, 100 degrees!" he shouted across the conference hall floor. "Oh, some like it hot," he continued, flanked by a small phalanx of supporters and the delegate from the United States, "but I like it really hot!" He then melted a pen in his clutch and added, "Besides, the science behind global warming theory is still unproven."


An attempt by the conference's organizers to negotiate a compromise between the Misers failed miserably, despite the intervention of Mother Nature. On previous occasions Ms. Nature had been able to rein in her squabbling sons, but at last week's conference it was clear her formerly commanding presence has been gravely diminished by her declining health, which took a pronounced turn for the worse after January 2001. It was all Ms. Nature could do just to keep the Misers from engaging in physical violence during the fruitless negotiations to reestablish a previous quid pro quo arrangement between the two elemental beings.

A spokesperson for the United Nations expressed disappointment, but not surprise, at the outcome. "We had hoped that Australia's decision to sign on to the Kyoto agreement marked a push toward a new consensus, but unfortunately politics and personal grievances got in the way," she stated. When specifically asked about the behavior of the Miser brothers during the conference, she simply responded "They're too much."

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Another Christmas countdown, another post featuring these climatically oppositional classics from 1974's The Year Without a Santa Claus (along with a quite excellent medley version by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy). I've found that they make perfect bookends for my annual holiday mix CD's.

As I stated last year, nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like high camp lyrics and music lifted from a Gypsy Rose Lee performance.

George S. Irving - Heat Miser (from Nick At Nite: A Classic Cartoon Christmas, Too, 1997)

Dick Shawn - Snow Miser (from Nick At Nite: A Classic Cartoon Christmas, Too, 1997)

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy - Mr. Heatmiser (from Everything You Want for Christmas, 2004)

come on down to the devil’s armpit

I spent most of the morning and early afternoon trying to complete my list of Saturday chores, an endeavor made much more difficult by atmospheric conditions I can only describe as gross. I don’t know what the heck has been going on with the weather these past few days. The temperature hasn’t been too oppressive, but the levels of humidity in the air have been obscene. Even the smallest physical exertions have become exercises in stickiness (and stinkiness), and it has conspired with the record high pollen levels to maintain a steady, low level sinus headache pulsing behind my eyes.

My cats have the right idea for dealing with the current conditions. The entire brood has been stretched out and sprawled out around the house like so many clocks in a Dali painting for most of the day. I’ve been alternating between naps in the air conditioned bedroom and perspiration-heavy bouts of scrubbing, sweeping, and polishing, all the while keeping an eye on what’s shaking meteorologically. From yesterday afternoon through the present time, there’ve been hints of an incoming front, but apart from some scattered showers and distant rumbles of thunder, no real relief has materialized. It currently feels like the barometric pressure has dropped a bit, but it could just be Mother Nature toying around with my expectations again.

The experience has got me to thinking about my middle teens, when, hell or high water, I would embark on a bike trip to the comic shop in Stoneham every Saturday to pick up the new releases. Rain, lightning, high winds, blinding migraines, or that one time I slipped off the seat and crushed my jewels on the crossbar – nothing could prevent me from making the six mile round trip to find out what was going to happen in the next issue of Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Now I can’t even be bothered to do an internet search to find a synopsis of the current hot event title, much less rally myself in pursuit of some free stuff. Oh, how those fires of youthful enthusiasm have dimmed…

The March Violets – Steam (from Natural History, 1984; collected on The Botanic Verses, 2001) – Higlander wrote about the Violets a couple months back and provided some nice links for those interested in this rather underappreciated (in the U.S.) band. Non-goth enthusiasts might remember the name of the band from the Some Kind of Wonderful soundtrack, to which they contributed a baffling cover of the Rolling Stones’ “Miss Amanda Jones.”

Camper Van Beethoven – The Humid Press of Days (from Key Lime Pie, 1989) – Do you remember college rock radio? I remember the marketing push for this album on its release – the posters, the t-shirts, the endless repeat plays on music store soundsystems – but I was too busy buying lousy hardcore albums to care.

Hey, look at that! Tornado warnings in the next county over! Mother Nature, you're so naughty...

is there anyone prepared to tell me why

It was a balmy 70 degrees today in our little suburb northwest of Boston. My wife opened up some windows to let the fresh air in, and I started sweating from the heat while working though my weekend chores, even though I was only wearing jeans and a t-shirt. It was preferable to digging out from under a January blizzard, but it just didn’t feel natural.

A ferocious wind picked up after the sun sank behind the western hills. I was out on the patio just prior to writing this, watching the silhouettes of the trees behind our back fence twist and sway violently against the violet backdrop of the twilight sky. I could hear the dry bone rattles and snaps of their branches even above the howl of the wind. It was muy creepy, and I’m thankful that none of the trees are within falling distance of our house.

(The winds have died down completely since I began typing this, adding another layer of disturbing unreality to this day's meteorological antics.)

Pylon – Weather Radio (from Gyrate, 1980) – A nice bit of instrumental postpunk out of the legendary Athens, GA scene. It’s sad that Pylon’s material is out of print and largely forgotten while R.E.M. went on to become (boring and overrated) college rock legends. (Am I being too harsh again? You try spending a semester in a drawing class where the instructor, an MBA student slumming for supplemental income, accompanies each ninety-minute class session with the Out of Time album on repeat. Yes, R.E.M. is directly responsible for killing my desire to draw.)

Red Lorry Yellow Lorry – Talk About the Weather (from Talk About the Weather, 1985) – A latecomer to the postpunk party, Red Lorry Yellow Lorry sound is an odd convergence of influences. Traces of gothic rock, indie gloom, and an embryonic from of goth metal swirl around in the mix, as if some mid-80’s art student distilled one of her ninety-minute mix tapes into a single four-minute song.

Crass – Dry Weather (from Penis Envy, 1981) – Penis Envy, the Crass album even Grandma enjoys! I kid, but it seems like every time Crass comes up in a conversation, that album is the only work by Crass that people say they’ve listened to. It makes sense, I suppose, since it is about as close as the band ever got to a “poppier” sound, relatively speaking.

The Radiators – Let’s Talk About the Weather (from Ghostown, 1979) – Also known as The Radiators From Space, this early Irish punk band included future Pogue Phillip Chevron. This track is from their second and (until their 2004 reunion) final album, where the band put aside ther punky roots in favor of a mellower, melodic power pop sound.