I can’t believe the news today

Sometimes the topics just fall into my lap. According to this news item, Marvel has announced a forthcoming Broadway musical about Spider-Man, with music courtesy by Bono and The Edge.

Wow. I’m trying to assess the show’s prospects and I’m drawing a complete blank. Experience and conventional showbiz logic don’t apply where blockbuster musicals are concerned. Musicals are syncretic entertainments, and a weakness on one front can be offset by strengths in others. The core essence of the Spider-Man mythos is rock solid (unmatched by anything in the entire superheroic genre, I’d argue), but then I remember the dance-fight scenes from Scandal’s “The Warrior” video, and imagine something similar played out on stage in full theme park fashion.

The song lyrics should make for an interesting read, though. I’m anticipating a lot of this:

I have a spider’s strength,
I have a spider’s agility,
But my uncle’s death has taught me that
With these powers comes great responsibility!

…unless Bono decides to have Spidey guilt the Green Goblin into surrendering with asides about third world debt relief. “And this is for…Uganda!” “Ok, you win, Spider-Man! Mail me some literature or give me a website address where I can find out more about this very worthy cause!” Personally, I’d rather see something like this:

(Anytime someone brings up how relevant or “important” U2 is, I simply respond with “Zooropa.” Then I laugh at the sputtering and tears my riposte generates.)

It was inevitable that something like this would come to pass, given Marvel’s efforts to position of itself as a licensing firm that just happens to make comics and the current state of big budget musicals, where no hot property is safe from the grasp of ambitious producers. (“Coming this fall, Saw: The Musical! From the producers of The Last House on the Left Follies!”)

Moxy Früvous – Spiderman (from Bargainville, 1993) – Canada’s answer to They Might Be Giants – a succinct description that should be more than enough to determine whether this song will inspire gasps of enjoyment or groans of agony in the listener. My college buddy Mike liked them a lot. PEDANTS BEWARE: The song title is spelled as it appears on the case. No bitching about the lack of a hyphen, please. Or else.
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Veruca Salt – Spiderman ’79 (from American Thighs, 1994) – I post songs like this from time to time to remind myself of the pain. American Thighs adheres to the all too common “catchy single plus forty minutes of bland filler” school of album making. (The catchy single in this case being the psuedo-Bellyish “Seether.”)

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Marvel Comics & Lifesong Records – No One’s Got a Crush on Peter (from Spider-Man: Rock Reflections of a Superhero, 1975) – Spider-Man: The Musical, 1970’s style. It’s actually not that bad, as far as rock opera concept albums based on comic books go.