prepare to be bored-ded

Hexachlorophene! Because there's nothing kids like better than potential carcinogens in their bubble bath. (The substance was removed from OTC products in 1969, and remains prescription-only to this day despite studies disproving its links to cancer.)

Isn't today supposed to be Run an Initially Disarming Gag into the Ground Talk Like a Pirate Day? I vaguely remember doing a post on the subject on this day last year, which a check of the archives does verify. As I said back then, the buccaneer thing really isn't my bag, but as this day only comes once a year, I figured I'd give it my best shot. Here goes:

So an industry insider passed a couple of gems onto a friend of a friend of mine: an advance copy of the Adam Sandler/Jessica Alba remake of Casablanca (with Ludacris in the role of Sam) and Michael Bay's live-action adaptation of the Rubik the Amazing Cube cartoon (with Sir Ben Kinglsey in the title role). Clean internal copies, too -- not like those shit camcorder caps being circulated by those n00bz in the PsyKKotik release group. Those asses think they're l33t as fuck, but they're lamerz who pass their shit direct to torrent sites.

I was already busy putting my liquid-cooled Alienware processor to use coming up with a workaround crack for use with Gear God of Grand Guitar Halo 5: Special Edition, but there was enough of the machine's 10 GB of RAM free to run the discs through a custom ripper, nuke any DRM or watermarks, then DVDShrink them to under 700 MBs a pop. Some folks go the VOB/SUB route, but that's not what the scene is supposed to be about, d00dz. After that it was just a matter of chunking them into 14.5 MB multi-part rars, writing up this nfo file and making them available via private newsgroups. PROPS to all the HOMIEZ keepin it REAL in the SCENE."*

Wait, that's not the type of pirate-speak they're talking about? I'm completely lost now.

(See also.)

Édith Piaf - Le Chant du Pirate (from 75 Chansons, 2001) - What is it about the French language where even saying "My bowel is impacted from eating too many baguettes and pastries" sounds profoundly classy?

Nena - Let Me Be Your Pirate (from 99 Luftballoons, 1984) - From the other side of the Maginot Line, here's some jazz-damaged Teutonic pop. Feel free to make your own "rum, sodomy, and the lash" joke here. I'm feeling lazy today.

Burning Spear - Pirate's Dub (from the Living Dub, Vol. 2 reissue, 1993) - This is the dub version of "Columbus" from the reggae outfit's Hail H.I.M. LP. The reissues of the first two Living Dub albums feature remixed versions and freshly recorded material in the same vein, which might be infuriating for purist collectors, but it's a nice treat for less-obsessed fans.

*Just to make things clear: I do not engage in such activities, okay?

this post is rated arrrrrrr

Today is “National Talk Like A Pirate Day,” an annual event where the easily amused can indulge their inner Blackbeards, much to the chagrin of irritable misanthropes and shallow dig-me types whose ironic hipper-than-thou worldview holds no place for unselfconscious whimsy. The former I can empathize with, the latter can fuck off home to cry into their Snakes on a Plane commemorative pillows.

I don’t understand this fixation on things pirate, myself. Given a choice, I’d rather pretend to be an 1870’s American cavalry officer, minus the genocidal mandate and smallpox blankets, of course. Last Sunday, my wife tagged along with her pirate-loving pal to a “Pirate Event” held up in Salem. It turned out to be less about pirates, and more about how Ren-Faire enthusiasts will use any opportunity to wear their frilly shirts, dance absurdly, and hawk handcrafted leather mugs. Huzzah! I mean, “Avast, matey!”

The Toasters – Pirate Radio (from Enemy of the System, 2002) – American ska that cleaves closely to the UK’s early Two Tone sound. It’s impossible for me to read or hear the words, “pirate radio,” without thinking of this. “Marco is a mailbox-head.”

The Vandals – Pirate’s Life (from Peace Through Vandalism, 1982) – This song is about going to see the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction at Disneyland while zonked out on acid. I’ve never been to any of the Disney theme parks. My parents inculcated a strong mistrust of the House of Mouse in me from a very early age. My ideological stance has slackened a little over the years, allowing both Tron and Beauty and the Beast to find places in my heart, but I still think Mickey Mouse is a creepy little fuck with a stack of bodies buried in his basement.

Thomas Dolby – Europa and the Pirate Twins (from The Golden Age of Wireless, 1982) – Dolby at his early, synthy best, with none of the irritatingly overcooked production that marked later songs like “Hyperactive”. (While “She Blinded Me With Science” is also an outstanding track, its massive success as a pop novelty hit rendered it into audio wallpaper – its ubiquity has made it easy to hear, but nigh-impossible to listen to. )

Johnny Thunder & the Heartbreakers – Pirate Love (from L.A.M.F., 1977) – Sludgy garage punk from the band that brought hard drugs and professional heroin vacuum Nancy Spungen to the UK punk scene.