when you put it that way

Scholastic's Dynamite used to run a regular feature titled "Super-Heroes Confidential," much adored by my younger self yet completely forgotten about until I flipped through the recently purchased stack of mid-1970's issues of the defunct kiddie magazine.

It was a pretty nifty (and corporately ecumenical) method of genre evangelism from a time when kids were still the primary target audience for superhero comics. Each installment spotlighted a specific superhero -- mostly Marvel and DC characters, though I vaguely remember some representatives of the King Features comic strip stable getting face time -- with a smartly recolored reprint of the character's origin story followed with a single page FAQ covering other details and semi-pertinent information.

In a time before The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe or Who's Who in the DCU and the ready availability of comprehensive reprint collections, it offered the tykes a handy little infodump (and an opportunity to read otherwise unavailable material) to kindle the flames of nacent fandom...even if for only a short while.

The FAQ sections are especially priceless, as they attempted to distill months and years of often slapdash sequential storytelling into a couple of sentences of kid-friendly plain text. It may have escaped my notice at the time, but these nuggets of continuity-laden (and now, thanks to the endless circular grind of the medium, mostly out-of-date) trivia highlight the stupidity and absurdity of the genre in a manner that surpasses works such as Watchmen or Marshal Law.

For instance, check out this explanation of Captain America's romantic take on "family values," from a 1974 issue of Dynamite:

Naturally!
Jeepers, Cap, she's only (Agent) 13!

Roger McGuinn - American Girl (from Thunderbyrd, 1977) - I have nothing but the utmost respect for Roger McGuinn, both for his role in The Byrds and his subsequent solo career, but this baffling take on a Tom Petty classic is just wrong.....though not nearly as wrong as fucking the sexy younger sister of your middle-aged former flame.

Dead or Alive - Brand New Lover (from Rip It Up, 1987) - Don't look at me like that. Claim as much indie/punk rock cred as you want; we all have dance pop skeletons in our musical closets.

What "Age of Innocence?"

(with apologies to Edith Wharton)

Armagideon Time, in conjunction with Fawcett Publications, is proud to present this very special episode of Captain Marvel....

It's the combination of the doctor's cherubic face and pencil-thin moustache that adds that extra level of creepiness, don't you think?

You know that thought-provoking but contextually inaccurate line about how the Roman Empire had all the available technology to create a steam locomotive/microwave oven/"slammable" form of yogurt, but never managed to put the pieces together? This panel occupies a similar position in regards to erotic fanfic/slashfic. All that was lacking was some sort of system of electronic tubes by which some inspired fan could unleash his or her Billy Batson/Doctor Livingstone masterpiece upon an unsuspecting world.

DISCLAIMER: For the purposes of this story, the "Billy" character is a consenting adult who has been magically de-aged, because the author wishes to have his/her creepy fantasies while keeping things legal and aboveboard, ok?

(Yes, I really can't stand fanfic culture, if you haven't guessed that already.)

Of course, one doesn't have to resort to facile, lowest common denominator NAMBLA jokes. One could always choose to take a darker route:

Oh, Billy, didn't you pay attention to those movies they showed you in gym class at all? Maybe Kid Eternity should have conjured up the shade of Guy de Maupassant as a cautionary example.

The Pogues - Billy's Bones (from Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash, 1985) - An excellent way to start today's musical selections on a good note. RS&L is the definitive Pogues album for a lot of folks, running neck and neck with If I Should Fall from Grace with God, but I personally prefer the less polished sound of Red Roses for Me.

Anorak Girl - Billie's Joined the Fanclub (from a 1997 single) - It could have been worse, Bille could have become a regular commenter on the Newsarama boards or *shudder* the Yahoo forums.

Carter USM - Billy's Smart Circus (from 30 Something, 1991) - It has been my (admittedly limited) experience that a "smart circus" is one that you are lucky enough to avoid attending.

Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods - Billy, Don't Be a Hero (from AM Gold: 1974, 1996) - Paper Lace's version of this song hit the top of the UK charts at nearly the same as this version hit the top of the US charts -- a historical curiosity spawned by the draconian trade restrictions on bubblegum and sunshine pop music in place at that time. Fortunately the barriers were rolled back in time for American audiences to experience Paper Lace's magnum opus "The Night Chicago Died."