Halloween Countdown: October 27 - derivatives of the damned

The events leading up to the recent economic meltdown, as depicted in The Witching Hour #51 (February 1975):

It sounds like a sweet deal...until you realize that you've leveraged your immortal soul for far more than it is actually worth. When the spiritual commodities market crashes, it crashes hard, and no amount of intervention, government or divine, can stem the karmic tide.

(Satan, being the wily devil he is, was able to finagle a seven figure bonus for himself from the executive board just prior to the collapse -- and government takeover -- of the Beelzebub Brothers brokerage house.)

The Misfits - Horror Business (from the Horror Business EP; collected on The Misfits, 1986) - No Halloween Countdown would be complete without something from the Garden State's unparalled masters of horrorpunk, so here is the band's loving tribute to Alfred Hitchcock, Sid Vicious, and Nancy Spungen.

Patterson's People - Shake Hands with the Devil (from a 1966 single) - Here's a dandy little slice of 60's freakbeat that proudly wears its infernal raunchiness on its sleeve.

Halloween Countdown: October 3 - post-feminist nightmares

The agents of the patriarchy laughed at Dr. Victoria Francistein. They belitted her research, called her "honey buns," and stared at her boobs while discussing new breakthroughs in stem cell research with her. Little did they realize that Francisteins's understanding of galvanic reanimation was far beyond anything their petty male minds could hope to understand.

Like a woman possessed, Francistein dedicated herself to her life's work. Morgues were broken into, graves were robbed, and long hours were spent slaving away in the dark catacombs beneath dread Castle Dworkin. Each purloined body part that passed through her well-manicured hands was chosen for maximum suitability for Francistein's project --

-- the creation of a race of super-women, untainted by the inherent unequality of traditional gender roles. With such allies at her disposal, Francistein hoped to wreak savage revenge on those who had wronged her and labeled her "hysterical."

So all-consuming was the Doctor's promethean hubris, however, that she failed to heed the warnings of her former mentor, Dr. Faludi, about the phenomenon known as the "Paglia Effect." Instead of embracing her creator's feminist ideology, Francistein's Monster turned out to be more interested in...

FASHION!
FOOD!
FLIRTING!
Angered by the Doctor's rejection, the creature vowed to become the enemy of reproductive rights, feminist principles, and everything else her creator held dear. She then fled north to plot her revenge and become a hockey mom.

It was in those cold and barren lands that Senator John McCain, on the lookout for a vice-presidential candidate, discovered her....and that's where the story gets really scary.

(from Madhouse #99, September 1975)

a grave condition

Dr. West's Magical Revivification Formula^TM! Another fine product from the Romero Corporation, a Skeletal Family Company!

(Side effects may include a shambling gait, a slight rotting aroma, and an irrational craving for the flesh of the living. Should your skin split and slough off of your wet, gleaming skull, discontinue use immediately.)

Given the known limitations of the four-color printing process on cheap newsprint, perhaps photographic testimonals weren't the wisest method of marketing a skin care product, especially when the rictus-grinning models looked like they just stepped in from a community theater production of Carnival of Souls.

Zombina and The Skeletones - Nobody Likes You (When You're Dead) (from Taste the Blood of Zombina and The Skeletones, 2002) - Well, nobody that you would necessarily want to like you, that is.

Thirteen at Midnight - Skin Deep (from a 1983 single) - The Not-Quite-Human League.

Halloween Countdown: October 1 – gonna need an undertaker

Today is the first of October, which means it's time to brush the cobwebs and grave dirt off the lid of my forbidden archives for Armagideon Time's second annual countdown to Halloween. Thirty-one days, thirty-one posts brimming to the cauldron rim with seasonal-themed musical delights -- from the goofily ghoulish to the downright terrifying and all points in between.

The final Playlist of the Damned is still in flux, so feel free to email me any monstrous recommendations or suggestions. There's also a high probability that I'll resurrect a few fiendish selections from last year's countdown and send them shambling across your path again. After all, the dead don't rest easily this time of year...

In any case, I can't think of a better way to get the plague cart rolling than this slice of horror rock from deepest, darkest Liverpool...

Zombina and The Skeletones - The Grave...and Beyond! (from Taste the Blood of Zombina and The Skeletones, 2002) - This track, with its menacing voodoo drumbeats, is atypical of the band's usual sound, which could be described as "early Misfits meets the Dixie Cups (or Talulah Gosh)." The perfect soundtrack for any Mod Monster Party. More info, including purchase links, can be found at the band's website.

no matter how hopeless, no matter how far

I think it was the late Marvel writer and editor Mark Gruenwald who once stated that “Every character is someone’s favorite.” If that attributed maxim is true, then who among you will testify to “The Sacrifice of Kid Psycho”?

Anyone? Anyone? No? Okay, then I guess it’s up to me.

Our story begins in Superboy #125 (December 1965), when a teenage Clark Kent encounters a mysterious youth walking about Smallville. Dressed like he’s auditioning for a role in Johnny Carson’s Carnac Babies and possessing a code name better suited to any given second-grade class’s token biter, the copiously be-foreheaded Kid Psycho uses his incredible mental powers to aid the Boy of Steel while messing with his head.

Eventually Kid Psycho levels with Superboy, telling him that he is from a thousand years in the future, and gained his powers (and honkingly huge head) because his parents once nuked a gigantic space octopus, the radiation-induced genetic damage leading to a super-powered offspring. (Hey, kids: Always remember to wear lead aprons when using high-yield gamma ray weapons against cosmic cephalapods!) His own planet having been destroyed in a fender bender between celestial objects, Kid Psycho decided there was nothing else to do but join the Legion of Super-Heroes.

The Legion, being the obnoxious bunch of jerks they are, turned him down, so Kid Psycho travels back in time to do an end run around his rejection by kissing up to Legion member Superboy, whom he hopes will vouch for him. “Your home world is gone; my home world is gone. Don’t you feel a spiritual connection there? Yeah? Yeah? It’s like we’re brothers or something! C’mon, dude, do me a solid!” Superboy falls for Psycho’s sob story hook, line, and x-ray vision-proof lead sinker, and they whisk off through the time barrier to set those Legion snobs straight.

Alas, it was all a misunderstanding due to a clerical error by the Legion’s HMO (proving that some things will never change, even by the 30th Century)…

So, Kid Psycho, how many times have you used your power since we turned you down? That many? Oh my...

Feeling bad about the mistake (and in a likely attempt to preempt possible litigation), the Legionnaires offer Psycho a consolation prize, which he accepts with a heartbreaking level of joy...

All right! Now for your first mission, Secret Weapon #1! Here’s a space-brush, space-pail, and can of space-Lysol. Bouncing Boy went on a space-burrito bender and we need you to clean the mess he's made of the space-men’s room!

Flash ahead to 1985’s Crisis on Infinite Earths #3 and a multiverse in peril. Death clouds of anti-matter are oozing through the dimensional and time barriers, obliterating all they touch. It’s an opportunity for even the least lights of the DC Universe to grab a moment in the spotlight. The world of the future is in peril, Kid Psycho. This is your chance to shine, Secret Weapon #1. Time to grab that brass ring and show the doubters you have what it takes…

..or not.

Requiescat in pace, Kid Psycho. You died as you lived – as a throwaway vehicle for canned pathos.

(Oh, wait! I think that I'm supposed to complain about Kid Psycho not having a memorial display case in the Legion Clubhouse or something, and that his not having one means that DC has a deliberate bias against radioactive-space-octopus-mutation-induced progeria victims. That's the usual procedure for these types of posts, right?)

Carter USM – The Impossible Dream (from 1992: The Love Album, 1992) – I reviewed many different versions of this song in preparation for this post, but when it came down to it, this was the one I knew I’d go with all along.

Balzac – Psycho in 308 (from The Last Men on Earth, 1995) - Must resist making joke about how this Japanese band Honorés the legacy of the early Misfits. Oops, too late.