Our sordid tale begins within the pages of Avengers #71 (December 1969), where Earth's Mightiest Heroes found themselves being used as pawns in a high-stakes wager between the Kang the Conqueror, a time-travelling despot, and the Grandmaster, a cosmic-powered version of Jimmy the Greek. As part of the contest, a group of present-day Avengers were transported back to Nazi-occupied Paris where they got the opportunity to tussle with the Golden Age versions of Captain America, Sub-Mariner, and the Human Torch:
It's pretty entertaining stuff for what it is -- bombastic Silver Age superhero melodrama told in the Mighty Marvel Manner -- and the arc is reprinted in its entirety in the very affordable Essential Avengers, Volume 4.
So what if the versions of the Golden Age characters don't match up exactly with the stories printed back in the 1940's? It's not as if little details like the shape of Captain America's shield or the cut of Namor's trunks really matter in the grand scheme of things, given the nature of disposable serialized adventure stories. Even if some clever fan were to point out the discrepancy, it's nothing that can't be taken care of with a glib comment in the letters page and a hastily mailed No-Prize.
Unless you happen to be Roy Thomas, the Grand Guru of Foolish Consistency (and honorary muse of Armagideon Time), that is. Thomas's minor gaffe as writer of Avengers #71 haunted him for years. So much so, that eight years later he would dedicate the forty-odd pages of the first Invaders annual towards setting things right.
Have you ever spilled a couple drops of red wine or India ink on a white carpet, and in the process of trying to scrub it out, turned some barely noticeable specks into a massively conspicuous stain? Sometimes the best course of action really is to just let things be. It's one thing to backfill details such as why Captain America is using his old shield in 1942 or Black Panther mixing up which year the Avengers actually travelled back in time to, but...
...when we reach a point involving Nazis stealing the underpants off an unconscious Namor, the solution outstrips (pun semi-intended) the problem. Have no fear, concerned parents of America, it's all for the sake of science:
Fortunately for the Allies, chafing issues prevented the Third Reich from mobilizing its division of Banane-Wärmerkommandos in time to alter the course of the war. Many of the scientists involved in the project would later serve vital roles in America's post-war swimwear research program, thus giving the Free World a vital edge over the Soviets' top-secret speedo development plans.
Oh, and just in case there may have been any lingering confusion regarding Sub-Mariner's contradictory costuming, the point gets hammered home one final (extremely awkward and disturbing) time...
Is it any wonder that concept of continuity as applied to superhero comics has gotten such a bad reputation over the years?
The Rip Chords - One Piece Topless Bathing Suit (from Three Window Coupe, 1964) - Going from "mildly saucy" to "extremely fucking creepy" in the space of an uncomfortable minute. The Rip Chords were essentially a front group for the musical duo Bruce & Terry (the "Terry" in question being future super-producer Terry Melcher, the son of Doris Day, the man who introduced Charles Manson to the Beach Boys, and the owner of the house where Sharon Tate and company were murdered).
Royal Teens - Short Shorts (from Golden Classics, 1994) - Oh, you poor little bit of irritatingly catchy fluff... Will you ever escape the shadow of chemical depilatory porducts?
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2 comments:
Did Roy Thomas ever write a story explaining why Namor's ears changed size and shape over the years? Do I even really need to ask?
I would assume that in this case, his ears are large and pointy because they are engorged with blood.
... wait for it...
Yes, I went there.
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