stay just as far from me as me from you

I usually make it a point to avoid getting caught up in the entertainment industry’s orgies of self-congratulation otherwise known as award shows, but Maura, who has an inexplicable fondness for celebrity gossip, decided to watch last night’s Emmy Awards pre-show and ceremonies on the TV in our bedroom, where I was working on some projects at the computer desk. It’s been a while since I have had to bear witness to the proceedings, but I don’t remember the Emmys being as off-putting and just plain awful as they were in the largish chunk of the show I was subjected to last night.

Maura’s answer to that observation was to simply say, “Well, FOX is broadcasting them this year” and that they “must have gotten the urge to tart them up a bit.” That does make sense, I suppose, but still doesn’t explain the decision to go with a theater-in-the-round format for the presenter’s platform. Shakespearean history aside, theater-in-the-round, where the action happens on a center stage surrounded by the audience on all sides, is extremely awkward in practice (in terms of costume/set changes and blocking) and I suspect largely predicated on maximizing seating at the expense of any audience members stuck facing the wrong direction. The center stage did have a very sci-fi portal built into the floor for entrances and exits, but there was a sense of confusion among the presenters and award winners about exactly who or where they should be looking at while speaking. (The presenters, at least, had the teleprompter to focus their attention upon.) Only Lewis Black, delivering a welcome rant about small screen infoclutter, seemed to have a grasp of the logistics of a 360 degree delivery.

I did my best to concentrate on my PC monitor’s screen while my wife shouted out comments about the winners, losers, and the abundance of horrible fashion choices, but a few things did manage draw my gaze into the Emmy abyss:

- Tony Bennett – The first time the pop legend won an award for some special I didn’t remember at all, I felt a bit sad that the rest of the production staff ate up so much of the allotted “thank you” time, leaving Mr. Bennett only enough to give a brief call-out to his wife. Then the special won a second award, and I was forced to rethink my previous position, as the venerable crooner delivered an extremely awkward and gushy love letter for Target Stores (who sponsored the special) using terms best reserved for hagiographies. Hey, I appreciate the deals the superstore gives me on Dr. Pepper and toilet paper, but I wouldn’t go as far as nominating the chain for sainthood.

- The Jersey Boys’ tribute to The Sopranos – The big WTF moment of the night, and the most disturbing, as cast members of the Broadway show badly lip-synched to overproduced renditions of “Walk Like a Man” and “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” while clips from The Sopranos played on the arena’s monitors. The desperate stink of contrived irony was thick in the air as the pretty boys mimed along to a sappy pop ballad while the footage from the series showed Drea de Matteo’s character being executed by mobsters. Classy, indeed.

The whole fascination with mobster/Mafia mythos leaves my cold, quite frankly. The Aislin Silva case and having seen (from a window of a southbound subway train) forensic investigators unearth corpses of the Winter Hill Gang’s victims from the shores of the Neponset River tell me all I need to know about the type of people who make a living though organized crime.

- TEK-NAU-LOW-GEE – “What did the last Neanderthal say to the first Cro-Magnon?” The various academies that award the Emmy’s decided to acknowledge the march of technological progress in a most goofy manner by having Masi Oka from Heroes teleconference with the MySpace dude in order to present an award for “Interactivity in Television” or other buzzword-laden nonsense. The award was given to Joel Hyatt and a very puffy-looking Al Gore for their Current TV venture, which is like being the only person in the world who makes robotic hamsters being given an award for excellence in making robot hamsters. Shit, I’d have given the award to the creator(s) of Comcast ON DEMAND. There’s some interactivity with a purpose.

Also on the “token nods to tech” front, who came up with the idea of showing clips of the nominees on iPods, high-end cell phones, and other “hot” media playing devices via over the shoulder POV shots? The video may have been indecipherable, but the brands and makes of the devices were clearly discernable.

- Your Best Interests at Heart – I’d be hard-pressed to come up with a more effective ipecac than last night’s speech by the outgoing president of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, which (with accompanying montage of Bob Hope entertaining the troops and Live Aid footage) praises all the Good Work^TM done by folks in the industry, in particularly American Idol's use of poor African children as a self-serving empathy sink and the voyeurism-posing-as-a-cause of yet another made-for-cable documentary about junkies.

Good deeds are good deeds, regardless of ulterior motives, but I’m not inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to the same industry that gave us Kid Nation, According to Jim, and Past-His-Prime Rocker Ogles Attention-Hungry Women Rock of Love. Feel free to assuage whatever vestiges of a conscience you’ve got left, folks. Just don’t expect me to feel all warm and fuzzy over your onanistic back-patting sessions. I’ve seen your real face, TV industry, and it looks like a meth addict’s after a week of withdrawal pains. Who do these people think they are? Target?

Judging from today’s post-mortems of the Emmys, the FOX-i-fied version of the award show landed with a sickly wet thump ratings-wise, which I’m sure the firms who bought advertising time must be really thrilled to hear. Given the state of the ads shown, I’d say it’s a case of poetic justice, with extra scorn heaped on Macy’s, whose marketing message was “We sell loads of overpriced celebrity-licensed crap.” (Usher has a fragrance for sale? Seriously? WTF, buying public.) McDonald’s also rolled out the big guns of adorability with an ad featuring a poppin’ and lockin’ moppet munching on the new healthy not as unhealthy Happy Meal. However, its effectiveness was completely undermined by its length, which came in a just a hair over the total runtime of the uncut version of von Stroheim’s Greed. (First Law of Marketing: A little breakdancing kid goes a long way.)

FOX took the opportunity to aggressively pimp its properties, both current and forthcoming (and based on what was shown they must have received a federal grant to provide work to unemployed alums of Everybody Loves Raymond), but the net effect was just another annual session of the “which one of these dozen shows will survive past mid-season” game. (Inside tip: Bet on the one with the most appeal to the lowest common denominator. That might be tricky, given that it’s FOX, but it should narrow the field a little.)

Mission of Burma - Academy Fight Song (from a 1980 single; collected on the Signals, Calls, and Marches CD reissue, 1996) - Not the Academy of Television Arts and Science's fight song, which is still being hashed out as the composers try to think of more words that rhyme with "pander." It's just as well, since few tracks can touch this lovely bit of locally grown post-punk.

Brenda Lee - Nobody Wins (from The Definitive Collection, 2006) - Certainly not the viewing public in the case of last night's Emmys, but Miss Brenda Lee is here to ease your pain.

Orbital - Pay Per View (from The Altogether, 2001) - Sometimes it's the wisest viewing (or listening) choice.