prepare to be bored-ded

Hexachlorophene! Because there's nothing kids like better than potential carcinogens in their bubble bath. (The substance was removed from OTC products in 1969, and remains prescription-only to this day despite studies disproving its links to cancer.)

Isn't today supposed to be Run an Initially Disarming Gag into the Ground Talk Like a Pirate Day? I vaguely remember doing a post on the subject on this day last year, which a check of the archives does verify. As I said back then, the buccaneer thing really isn't my bag, but as this day only comes once a year, I figured I'd give it my best shot. Here goes:

So an industry insider passed a couple of gems onto a friend of a friend of mine: an advance copy of the Adam Sandler/Jessica Alba remake of Casablanca (with Ludacris in the role of Sam) and Michael Bay's live-action adaptation of the Rubik the Amazing Cube cartoon (with Sir Ben Kinglsey in the title role). Clean internal copies, too -- not like those shit camcorder caps being circulated by those n00bz in the PsyKKotik release group. Those asses think they're l33t as fuck, but they're lamerz who pass their shit direct to torrent sites.

I was already busy putting my liquid-cooled Alienware processor to use coming up with a workaround crack for use with Gear God of Grand Guitar Halo 5: Special Edition, but there was enough of the machine's 10 GB of RAM free to run the discs through a custom ripper, nuke any DRM or watermarks, then DVDShrink them to under 700 MBs a pop. Some folks go the VOB/SUB route, but that's not what the scene is supposed to be about, d00dz. After that it was just a matter of chunking them into 14.5 MB multi-part rars, writing up this nfo file and making them available via private newsgroups. PROPS to all the HOMIEZ keepin it REAL in the SCENE."*

Wait, that's not the type of pirate-speak they're talking about? I'm completely lost now.

(See also.)

Édith Piaf - Le Chant du Pirate (from 75 Chansons, 2001) - What is it about the French language where even saying "My bowel is impacted from eating too many baguettes and pastries" sounds profoundly classy?

Nena - Let Me Be Your Pirate (from 99 Luftballoons, 1984) - From the other side of the Maginot Line, here's some jazz-damaged Teutonic pop. Feel free to make your own "rum, sodomy, and the lash" joke here. I'm feeling lazy today.

Burning Spear - Pirate's Dub (from the Living Dub, Vol. 2 reissue, 1993) - This is the dub version of "Columbus" from the reggae outfit's Hail H.I.M. LP. The reissues of the first two Living Dub albums feature remixed versions and freshly recorded material in the same vein, which might be infuriating for purist collectors, but it's a nice treat for less-obsessed fans.

*Just to make things clear: I do not engage in such activities, okay?