Halloween Countdown: October 10 - drinking booze with the vampire

For those times when the Dark Thirst can not be slaked by the warm blood of the innocent, I give you...

I wasn't keen on the Tim Burton/Marilyn Manson remake of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane....
Not only is the vodka useful in taking the edge off an eternity of cursed unlife, the high alcohol content makes it an excellent embalming fluid.

Halloween Countdown: October 8 - never can resist him

Behold, the TERRIFYING VISAGE of COUNT DRACULA!

There are several reasons why the early 1950's are considered to be the golden age of horror comics, but Eerie Comics #12 (August 1953) isn't one of them.

....and since I've already dirtied my hands rummaging through the pauper's grave of popcult obscurities in search of suitable material, I might as well toss this curious specimen in your general direction:

Toto Coelo - Dracula's Tango (from a 1982 single; collected on I Eat Cannibals & Other Tasty Trax, 1996) - Moving from flesh-eating to blood-drinking over the course of a few months -- you don't see that kind of creative growth in today's musical acts.

(In case you were wondering, "Toto Coelo" is the original name of the new wave girl group. They were rechristened "Total Coelo" for American releases, lest the unwashed masses confuse them with the "Rosanna" guys. Give me dance pop goofiness over soporific soft rock any day.)

(Note: In today's installment of pronounced WOO-BIN, I beat on a countercultural legend.)

Halloween Countdown: October 7 - red corpuscle menace

The American public's interest in superheroes was at a low point in the early 1950's, leaving the fine folks at Fawcett scrambling to keep up with trend curve as it pertained to their flagship character. Horror comics were all the rage at the time, so Captain Marvel found himself pitted against ghosts, werewolves, and other supernatural creatures. The Red Scare was in full swing, so Marvel was sent off to fight communist hordes both at home and abroad.

I suppose it was inevitable, then, that writer Otto Binder would cobble together a story incorporating both elements into a single, racially-insensitive masterpiece of supernatural Cold War agitprop.

It all came together in Captain Marvel Adventures #140 (January 1953), in a story titled....well, check it out for yourselves...

All documented. All true.
It's late 1952 and the Korean War has become a bloody stalemate. The fighting is fierce, as both sides of the conflict hope to turn territorial gains into leverage at the negotiation table. Captain Marvel, the quintessential Truman Democrat, does his part for the global crusade against communism by transporting supplies of blood from the States to military hospitals near the front line.

Marvel's golden opportunity to exchange witty (yet socially aware) banter with the wacky crew of the Four-Oh-Seven-Seven is interrupted by the arrival of a thirsty horde of Mongol bloodsuckers on a whole plasma packie run...

The parties at Vampa Mongol Vampa are wild, dude!
Marvel manages to swat aside the commie bloodsuckers, but not before they cart off most of the field surgery's blood supply. A helpful Corporal Klinger fills the Captain in on the pertinent backstory...

Here Marvel channels both Walter Winchell and Charlie Brown.
Realizing that his presence might deter the Maoist monstrosities from returning for an all-American ass-whooping, Marvel transforms back into boy reporter Billy Batson and waits for the following evening. The vampires return as hoped, but Billy's plan runs into a dirty commie hitch when the devious fiends cart him off, along with the remaining supplies of blood. As per Captain Marvel story conventions, Billy is bound and gagged and brought before the dreaded Scarlet Vampire.

The Supreme Leader of the Vampire Soviet uses the opportunity to explain his nefarious plans, as well as to revel in his status as an racist caricature...

"I considered the 'So solly' approach, but it felt rather gauche."
When the pack of fiends sets out to wreak havoc among the American forces, Billy is left behind to consider his future as a dessert course. Billy's guard, understandably miffed about being left out of the mass exsanguination, decides to give into his cravings for hot teenage boy blood and pounces on the helpless lad.

Luckily for Billy, his captor's fangs were designed more for perpetuating stereotypes rather than piercing flesh, and Billy's gag becomes snared in the vampire's incisors. This stroke of luck gives Billy the chance to utter the magic word and transform into Captain Marvel, who promptly smashes in the vampire's skull with a boulder before flying off to deal with the rest of the commie leeches.

Over at the 38th Parallel, the situation has taken a turn for the dire, with the American forces have been routed by the unholy might of the Glorious People's Vampire Army. Have no fear, true believers, because Captain Marvel is on the scene and prepared to set things right no matter how many laws of physics are broken in the process...

TRUE FACT: The sun is entirely composed of delicious creamery butter. Also, if you cut and paste properly, you can alter a Land O' Lakes package to make it look like the Indian Maid is flashing her boobs.
Marvel's masterstroke of bad science quickly takes care of the rank and file bloodsuckers. When it comes to the Big Vamp-huna, however, Marvel takes a more hands-on approach...

It's moments like these when Marvel realizes how much he loves his work.
What's that you're saying? The story seems a bit violent, jingoistic and racist for a comic book aimed at younger children? Pshaw! Everybody knows that the Golden Age Captain Marvel stories are the pinnacle of wholesome kid-safe entertainment, unlike the drek published today. If it wasn't so, then why would Captain Marvel Adventures #140 carry the following stamp of approval?

The seal doesn't lie, my friends.

Friday Night Fights: Into the boards

It's a free-for-all on the ice in this week's installment of Friday Night Fights, as Tamsin Mary Cates, Canadian teenager and interdimensional traveller, schools a member of Chinese vampire hockey team about how the game is really played...

(from Skeleton Key, Vol. 2: The Celestial Calendar by Andi Watson)
Skeleton Key also has the distinction of being Maura's favorite comic series ever, and while nothing will ever surpass my affections for Date With Debbi, I have to concur that Andi Watson's gorgeously illustrated mix of whimsical fantasy and often painful reality is a stellar example of comics at their very best.

The Rude Kids - The Hockey Game (from The Worst of The Rude Kids: A Pardonless Collection, 1998) - Here's a thematically appropriate slice of classic Swedish punk to round things out.

Halloween Countdown: October 15 – there's a crack in the mirror

So, if the critical theorists are to be believed, the horror story, at its core, functions as cautionary tale intended to reinforce normative behavior (by depicting the grim fate of transgressors) and/or reflect contemporary societal anxieties. With that in mind, let's turn our attention to "The Boy Who Cried Vampire," another tale from the headscratchingly bizarre Chilling Adventures in Sorcery As Told By Sabrina #1 (September, 1972).

During the course of a family dinner party, young Stanley Caldwell makes a discovery about his dapper (yet sinister) "Uncle Brucie," a frequent guest of the family:

Stanley's protests fall upon deaf ears, but after the party, he encounters Uncle Brucie in the study, and...well...

That's a very...interesting...choice of metaphor, and quite possibly the inspiration behind this.

When Stanley emerges from his trance with a fresh set of puncture wounds on his neck, he attempts to expose Uncle Brucie's secret life, though perhaps not in the most effective manner. Bare-chested histrionics have their place and all, but one mustn't let the medium obscure the message:

"Yes, Magic Fork, impart unto us your flatware wisdom!"

The discovery of Occam's meatprongs on the carpet leads Stanley's parents, with a little encouragement from Uncle Brucie, to conclude that Stanley must have accidentally stabbed himself with the sharp object while sleepwalking. "See, son, there's no such thing as vampires! You just happened to mutilate yourself while in a zombie-like state! Feel better now?"

In order to reassure Stanley, Mr. Caldwell calls in a few favors and takes the fork to an open-all-night forensic pathologist who specializes in cutlery-related injuries. The pathologist's results confirm the sleepwalking theory, and a chastened Stanley apologizes to Uncle Brucie, who offers to give the teen a ride home.

But it's not long before Brucie parks his car in a nice, secluded place, and...

It's the Bram Stoker version of Boys Beware!

...and so another innocent youth is indoctrinated into the vampiric lifestyle. When will society ever learn?

Concrete Blonde - Bloodletting (The Vampire Song) (from Bloodletting, 1990) - I never paid much mind to Concrete Blonde back in the day, but I've since grown to appreciate a select few of their songs, due to their being in heavy rotation (along with The The's and The Wonder Stuff's material) on the digital music channel I listen to while reading.