419 is a joke

URGENT MESSAGE:

Dearest readers,

I know this message may come to you as a surprise but please treat it for the urgency expected by it. We have been chosen as representatives for bitterandrew the High Seneschal of the Revolutionary United Front of Funkytown who was overthrown by the jealous masses on April 30th 2008 for being too handsome and witty for his own good.

After the High Seneschal went into exile, he instructed us to post this mini-playlist of happening sounds and groovy cuts inspired by the subject headers of bulk emails found in his spam folder on the morning of the revolution.

Best Regards
STEVE & EYDIE AMIN

(I'm actually kind of digging this exile business. The burdens of leadership are a hassle to shoulder for a low-key individual such as myself.)

When life gives you lemons, put them into a bowl on top of the fridge and forget about them until the rotting smell can't be ingnored any longer. When some bulk email scammer dumps a bunch of spam emails into your inbox, assemble a themed music post dealing with the subject matter.

"Miley Cyrus pictures available uncensored" - Wow, that didn't take long at all. Here's the thing: If you're going to try and use bait-and-switch tactics to attract my attention to the bogus "herbal supplement" you're hawking, you'll need to find a better enticement than Billy Ray Cyrus's tweener-targeted Vergeltungswaffe. Sure, I made my share of "Achy Breaky Heart" and mullet jokes back in the day, but why take your hyper-merchandised wrath out upon the nation's children, Billy Ray?

Hole - Celebrity Skin (from Celebrity Skin, 1998) - The only Hole I can stomach listening to, despite the songwriting presence of alt-rock antichrist Billy Corgan. The message of the song is that ambitions toward fame and celebrity can prove personally destructive. You know what else can be personally destructive? Scarfing down horse tranquilzers like they were M&M's, then following up the meal with a demerol chaser.

"Witchcraft will not help you in curing!" - So put your faith in Canadian pharmacy scams instead!

Spike Jones - That Old Black Magic (from The Anthology, 1994) - I can't help but think that Coldplay's "Violet Hill" would be vastly improved by the addition of cartoon sound effects. That's rubbish, actually -- there's nothing capable of making Coldplay sound like anything other than the utter shit they truly are.

"Bring out the T-Rex in you" - You mean I'll start wearing glitter on my face, score a string of hit records, then die in a horrible car crash? I'll have to think on that a bit. Speaking of channeling one's inner T. Rex...

Power Station - Get It On (Bang a Gong) (from Power Station, 1985) - In which the mid-80's supergroup (featuring the late Robert Palmer, the late Tony Thompson, and the understandably worried John Taylor and Andy Taylor) recasts a glam rock masterpiece in durable, non-biodegradable plastic.

"No test, No class, buy yourself Bacheelor MasteerMBA Doctoraate dip1omas" - I wonder if they offer degrees in Americaan Stud1ees, Engliish, or Soc1oloogy? Are there certif1caate prograams available? Is this really the way one should pad one's resuume?

Jetsons - Genetically Stupid (from a 1981 7") - Exceptional Devo-esque punk rawk out of Bloomington, Indiana that has been given much repeat play 'round Armagideon Time HQ.

Friday Night Fights: It Don't Mean a Thing

All right, fellow hep cats and kittens, another set of seven brights has passed us by, which means it's time to beat it out and ante up my contribution to the killer-diller shindig that the ever-solid Bahlactus has got going on.

This time around we're turning the spotlight on a happening jack by the name of Swing Sisson, "the band leader who is hep to other things than jive and whose fist can do something besides hold his baton." Yowza!

Let's take a gander as he lays his percussive racket on some cut rate hood...

(from Feature Comics #109, April 1947)
Dig that sweet symphony of chin music! He's truly a cat who knows where it's at!

Louis Prima - Jump, Jive, an' Wail (from The Wildest! 1956) - And oft covered, but never duplicated swingin' masterpiece suitable for all your rug-cutting needs.

everybody has cowlicks to conceal

Sad, but true: As the bright optimistic glare of the Atomic Age dispelled the lingering shadows of noir culture, Dashiell Hammett's Sam Spade, the very archetype of the hard boiled detective, found himself reduced to a pitchman for hair care products...

"When a man's supply of pomade is threatened, he's supposed to do something about it. It doesn't make any difference whether it uses a vegetable or mineral oil base."
"When I bury you underneath a dozen cases of Wildroot Cream-Oil^TM, you'll take it and like it. In fact, you love how it adds body to even the limpest locks."
"It smells nice, Sam. What is it?"
"The stuff that dreams -- and damn fine hairstyles -- are made of."

(from Captain Marvel Adventures #91; December 1948)
Hopefully the licensing royalites from the ad helped Dashiell Hammett defray the legal fees stemming from the Civil Rights Congress of New York (of which Hammett was chairperson) being labeled as a communist front organization by the Truman administration in 1947. The group's efforts to raise bail money for accused "subversives" and unwillingness to turn over the names of fund contributors to the government led to Hammett being found in contempt of court. After a similar refusal on his part to cooperate with the House Un-American Activities Committee 1953, Hammett was blacklisted as well.

Quite a way to treat the man who gave the world both The Maltese Falcon and The Thin Man, yet there are plenty of folks out there who long for nothing more than a return to that lovely chapter of our history. Grand, ain't it?

You can find a handful of episodes of the old Sam Spade radio show for your downloading and listening enjoyment here. The Maltese Falcon, the 1930 novel featuring Sam Spade, is available (along with The Thin Man) as part of this handsomely-designed omnibus edition of Hammett's works. The equally indispensible 1941 film version can be found (with the racier pre-Code 1931 version and Satan Met a Lady, a 1936 comedic take starring Bette Davis) on this DVD set.

Duran Duran - Watching the Detectives (from Thank You, 1995) - Wonderfully wrong.

Adolph Deutsch - Theme to The Maltese Falcon (from Legendary Film Noir Movies, 2004) - Atmospherically right.

Ray Anthony & His Orchestra - Peter Gunn Theme (from The Ultra-Lounge Sampler, 1996) - A swinging delight.

Halloween Countdown: October 12 – a sound to die for

Jazz trumpeter Mason Chaney has hit rock bottom, but when a wandering booking agent spots Chaney chugging isopropyl alcohol in a back alley, he is given one last chance to redeem himself. The only problem is that Chaney has long since pawned his horn in exchange for a gallon jug of Thunderbird.

Seaching for a suitable replacement that won't set him back more than a few units of plasma, Chaney stumbles into a local branch of Ye Olde Sinister Curiosity Shop^TM (NasdaqGS: YOSC), where the franchise owner offers Chaney a deal on a unusual substitute for his horn:

"Yeah, it's not as if the one incredibly fortuitous chance for me to get back on top depends on whether on not this weird-looking hunk of brass actually functions properly or anything. I mean, if you can't trust the quality of merchandise found in a pawn shop, what can you trust?"

Chaney is able to perform as scheduled, and his show is a big success...

...providing one measures success by the number of wealthy jazz enthusiasts killed, and really, who doesn't?

Well, Chaney for one, who returns to Ye Olde Sinister Curiosity Shop^TM to file a complaint with the branch manager, who just happens to be the earthly embodiment of evil incarnate (which bears out my impression of franchise holders and middle managers in general):

This just goes to show that it's essential for even the most omniscient and omnipotent divine beings to have a comprehensive loss prevention policy complete with an aggressively proactive system of inventory management in place.

Suppose that this was to be the Day of Judgement: All the hosts of Cherubim, Seraphim, and Archangels are ready to go off to wage the final battle against the forces of darkness at Meggido. God motions to Gabriel to sound the call to battle, and the hapless angel starts patting the folds of his celestial robes in search of his trumpet. "Um, one moment, Your Greatness, it's got to here somewhere. I had it with me when I left, honest. Let see... Y'know, maybe it's in my other set of vestments..."

Perhaps if Chaney had bothered to read the newspapers before balling them up and sticking them in his clothes for insulation, he might have been aware that the Ye Olde Sinister Curiosity Shop^TM chain had been sold to the Amalgamated Diabolic Consortium (NasdaqGS: ADCS) for $6.66 per share last fall.

While the Horned One values Chaney's patronage very much, and wants to ensure that he has the most satisfying customer experience in dealing with the forces of evil, Satan does have a reputation to live up to, and so...

Death by "Flight of the Bumblebee"? Wow, the devil really is a cruel motherfucker...

That should have been the end of this nonsense, but since this is a horror comic story published in the 1970's...

As a result, readership of the New Yorker dropped by 90%, NPR had its worst ever year for fundraising, and a prodigious amount of tenure track vacancies opened up in college English programs across the nation...

(Taken from "The Demon Horn" by Gerry Boudreau and Gerry Talaoc, which appeared in Forbidden Tales of Dark Mansion #15, February-March 1974 )

Artie Shaw - Nightmare (from The Very Best of Artie Shaw, 2001) - The King of Clarinet's signature tune is a downtempo bluesy bit of big band swing perfect for inducing some noir-ish night terrors.

I couldn’t leave her if I tried

Has it really been a year? Wow.

This post marks the first anniversary of Armagideon Time. When I launched this project on May 3, 2006, I was certain that I wouldn’t make it through six weeks before I got bored and packed it in. I came close on a couple of occasions, but there always seemed to be someone around at just the right moment to whisper words of encouragement and praise in my ear.

It took me a while to find my voice. When I started off, I tried my hardest to force myself into the role of a music critic and historian, but it was never an easy fit and I eventually gave up trying. Then, in an Archimedes-in-the-bathtub moment, I hit upon the notion of doing “theme” posts, and I started to hit my stride. Besides, I’m somewhat ambivalent about formal music criticism; I enjoy reading it when it’s done well, but it’s a rare occasion when overly detailed analyses manage to capture what makes a given piece of music a success or a failure, especially when lensed though the many-fold prism that is “personal taste.”

Given the choice, I’d rather just relate a personal anecdote, popcult reference, or random factoid to set the tone, and let the music speak for itself. I think this approach works, based on the fact that there are a hundred of you who make the effort to visit the site on a regular basis. (“Only a hundred?” you may ask. I’ve never been comfortable with being proactive on the self-promotion front, so the growth in readership has been an organic affair, helped along by the occasional kind mention here and there. Or you can see it as a bit of cyber-gnosticism, a hidden little cabal where the cool kids hang out but need to find the hidden doorway before entering the clubhouse. It’s also why I don’t beg for comments.)

I’m amazed whenever someone cites Armagideon Time as a positive example of or a favorite music blog, especially when the person giving the praise is able to codify what the heck it is I’m doing when I myself am not sure most of the time. Assessing a project from the trenches is hard to do, and it’s very comforting (and flattering) to discover that maybe, just maybe, I’m not completely making a terrible mess of things.

So, yeah, a big thanks to everyone who helped this blog make it as far as it did: the readers, fellow bloggers (as represented in the “Other Places of Note” links in the sidebar), and most importantly, my wife Maura, who has been patient and supportive regarding the whole project…even if she will never understand why Shampoo’s “Trouble” is such a great song.

No particular theme for this momentous occasion, just a small assortment of tracks culled from my “Current Favorites” Winamp playlist.

The Clash – Kick It Over (from Singles Box, 2006) – My favorite of the two 12” dub mixes of “Armagideon Time” The Clash recorded.

Benny Goodman – Sing, Sing, Sing (from Greatest Hits, 1996) – Yeah, it’s the one bit of swing jazz that everybody knows, but it still gives me chills each and every time I hear it. It’s also one of the few songs where “drum solo” doesn’t mean “slow, painful torture.”

The Monkees – I’m a Believer (from More of the Monkees, 1967) – I make no apologies. I’m a pop functionalist; the internal processes involved in production don’t matter, only the end result.

The Wall – When I’m Dancin’ (from a 1982 12” single, collected on No Future: Punk Singles Collection, Vol. 2, 1997) – Note-perfect punk pop, made all the more special because I discovered it unexpectedly on a collection of so-so UK82 band b-sides. The wife and I had it played during our wedding reception.