kids those days

The voice of white Protestant middle-class suburban youth, courtesy of Pat Boone #1 (September-October 1959):

Brought to you by Lucky Strikes!
By being a "teenager for life" does J.M.G. mean "I plan on living in my parents' house, working a part-time minimum wage service job, and suffering from wild mood swings until I die of old age?"

New experiences and challenges -- such as trying to sneak into your second floor bedroom at two in the morning while blitzed on lemon gin or trying to find a decent backroom abortionist after the football captain "forgot" to disengage on time.

"You'll appreciate your time you've spent in locked Mommy's Evil Clown Closet when you have kids of your own. In fact, you'll be calling Mommy for advice on how to inflict maximum emotional trauma through greasepainted nightmares after you've been saddled with the hellish fruit of boozy, unprotected, marital sex with an emotionally distant spouse. So suck it up -- God hates weaklings and whiners."

Pet hippo-what? Were the Prexies (as Boone's fans called themselves) ahead of the subcultual curve regarding hallucinogenic drug use?

"I had the most ginchy trip last night! The world turned into a giant Leavittown with not a trace of dirt or enthicity to be seen! Things turned a bit unpleasant, though, when I saw a little speck on my fingernail, and I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed in vain to remove it. When I snapped out of it, I was covered in blood and sitting on top of the corpses of my parents and siblings."

Ah, the joys of youth.

Eddie & The Hot Rods - Teenage Depression (from Teenage Depression, 1976) - They called it pub rock. I call it punk as fuck.

The Adverts - Bored Teenagers (from Crossing the Red Sea with The Adverts, 1978) - Ever stood on the beach while a storm front came rolling in? The skies turn dark, the barometric pressure drops, and the air cools. The wind picks up, the waves turn nasty, and low rumbles of thunder can be heard in the distance. It's an awe-inspiring and occasionally terrifying experience.

That's how I feel whenever I listen to The Adverts' first album.