the bitter redemption of an atypical fat cat

The sedentary comforts of the suburban lifestyle can take their toll on even the most ferocious predatory feline. Sure, it would be great if one could routinely stalk a wild boar and feast upon its steaming carcass, but after a long day of fighting elitist snobs or seeking out the bluebird of happiness, sometimes all one wants to do is order an extra large bacon-fetishists' pizza with a side of cheesy bread and pass out on the couch while watching a Tom Ewell retrospective on TCM.

Even if the nagging feelings that one ought to be taking better care of one's body persist, it's easy enough to resolve such concerns with a weak resolution to do a few ab crunches or take down a bull crocodile...tomorrow...for sure...maybe...once those few remaing Halo 3 achievements have been completed.

The comes a point, however, when the sad truth can no longer be ignored...

No need to fret about that spare tire (or matching set of four) or open up an account at The Fat Tiger's Shoppe, my rotund feline friend! Just place a call to the World's Mightiest Personal Trainer! Captain Marvel, the man who once bench-pressed South America, has created an intensive regimen guaranteed to transform oversized Toms into lean, mean, killing machines.

The week long course begins with copious amounts of low-grade amphetamines, purchased in bulk from Marvel's trusted suppliers in the Third World...

Side effects may include constipation, hallucinatory spiders crawling under one's skin, and a nude high-speed police chase across three state lines.
...followed by a long, intense session on Cap's personal vibrator.

To ensure complete satisfaction, Marvel tests each device personally.
Next up on the schedule comes the nutritional consultation, with plenty of emotional cruelty "tough love" on the menu...

Cap then visited a cancer ward and brushed his thick, luscious locks in front of the radiation therapy patients.
...and that approach is carried over into the gym, where what does not kill you could very likely cripple you for life.

It's great exercise for shedding those extra pounds, blood, and teeth...
And what better way to finish things off than with one of Captain Marvel's patented Bad Touch^TM massages?

Now accepting appointments for couples sessions!
Once the week is over, the bruises have healed and the bones have knitted together, you'll emerge from the experience feeling, and more importantly, looking like a television star!

"Hey, kids! Stay tuned for Uncle Pork Rind's High-Cholesterol Cartoon Hour, brought to you by the Fawcett Lard and Tallow Company."
(Panels taken from "Mr. Tawny's Diet Dangers" from Captain Marvel Adventures #121; June 1951)

Au Pairs - Diet (from the b-side of the 1980 "It's Obvious" 7"; collected on Stepping out of Line: The Anthology, 2006) - Sparse, unsettling fare, yet incredibly satisfying for those with refined palates.

Southern Death Cult - Fatman (from Southern Death Cult, 1983) - These gothic rockers shed two thirds of their name (and almost the entire original lineup) in order to woo a "Fire Woman."