ne travaillez jamais

While I am a strong proponent of the antinomian viewpoint that work is an anachronistic impediment to a life of unstructured leisure, the mortgage and utilities people aren't hep to the Situationist vibe. (If you know of some that are, send me an email.) So I find myself obligated to render unto Caesar from my little cubicle overlooking Dorchester Bay, mourning each lost minute that could have been spent sprawled out on the couch and watching F-Troop re-runs on TV Land.

It is in this spirit that I am proud to announce Armagideon Time's first annual job fair. Given the present state of the economy and the accompanying blizzard of pink slips, being able to think outside the box has become a vital skill when it comes to job hunting, and our musical representatives are standing by to illustrate the wide variety of available career options.

Blotto - I Wanna Be a Lifeguard (from a 1981 single; also on Collected Works, 1994) - The romantic myths regarding the career tend to vanish quickly once one discovers their first suspicious-looking mole...or after performing mouth-to-mouth on a bearded grandma with garlic-and-whiskey breath.

Spacegirl - I Wanna Be a Spacegirl (Single Edit) (from a 1998 single) - First you'd have to purge 90% of your body mass, then cleanse yourself of any vestiges of actual talent, marry a soccer player, and wear the most unflattering 1970's sunglasses imaginable. Oh, it's "spacegirl," not "Spice Girl."

Ultravox - I Want to Be a Machine (from Ultravox!, 1977) - It depends on the type of machine in question. While I can see the appeal of becoming a sex, dancing, or love machine, I would not like to spend life as the flush mechanism of a public toilet. Considering that this track comes from the band's post-punky pre-Ure era, I'd assume that John Foxx yearns to become a meticulously-engineered piece of German industrial automata.

Gary Oldman - I Wanna Be Your Dog (from the Sid and Nancy OST, 1986) - In preparation for his role as Sid Vicious, Gary Oldman went on a boiled fish and melon diet that ended up leading to his hospitalization. In preparation for recording this song, Oldman went on a Gravy Train and toilet water diet that ended up leading to his being hit on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band - I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac (from Hulk Rules, 1995) - There is a point where egomania becomes so densely concentrated that it collapes into a singularity from which nothing but lousy pop-rap-rock can escape. We have crossed the event horizon, ladies and gentlemen.

Catch the nipple-free fever!