12 Days of Christmas - Day 5: polar opposites

BALI, Indonesia - The initial high hopes of those committed to resolving the global warming issue experienced an embarrassing setback at the U.N. climate change conference last week, as sibling rivalries led to an intractable deadlock between two delegates whose cooperation has been deemed vital to establishing an effective policy.

(An artist's rendering of the confrontation.)
The sibling delegates in question are the Miser brothers. Mr. Snow Miser has long been a staunch supporter of the Kyoto Protocols, as the accelerated shrinking of the polar ice caps directly affects his traditional standard of living. However, previous statements by the self-proclaimed "Mr. Icicle" that he "never wants to know a day that's over 40 degrees [Fahrenheit]" has caused some concern even among other Kyoto supporters, and provided his estranged brother, Mr. Heat Miser, an opportunity to dismiss the treaty as the work of environmental extremists. "I'd rather have it 80, 90, 100 degrees!" he shouted across the conference hall floor. "Oh, some like it hot," he continued, flanked by a small phalanx of supporters and the delegate from the United States, "but I like it really hot!" He then melted a pen in his clutch and added, "Besides, the science behind global warming theory is still unproven."


An attempt by the conference's organizers to negotiate a compromise between the Misers failed miserably, despite the intervention of Mother Nature. On previous occasions Ms. Nature had been able to rein in her squabbling sons, but at last week's conference it was clear her formerly commanding presence has been gravely diminished by her declining health, which took a pronounced turn for the worse after January 2001. It was all Ms. Nature could do just to keep the Misers from engaging in physical violence during the fruitless negotiations to reestablish a previous quid pro quo arrangement between the two elemental beings.

A spokesperson for the United Nations expressed disappointment, but not surprise, at the outcome. "We had hoped that Australia's decision to sign on to the Kyoto agreement marked a push toward a new consensus, but unfortunately politics and personal grievances got in the way," she stated. When specifically asked about the behavior of the Miser brothers during the conference, she simply responded "They're too much."

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Another Christmas countdown, another post featuring these climatically oppositional classics from 1974's The Year Without a Santa Claus (along with a quite excellent medley version by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy). I've found that they make perfect bookends for my annual holiday mix CD's.

As I stated last year, nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like high camp lyrics and music lifted from a Gypsy Rose Lee performance.

George S. Irving - Heat Miser (from Nick At Nite: A Classic Cartoon Christmas, Too, 1997)

Dick Shawn - Snow Miser (from Nick At Nite: A Classic Cartoon Christmas, Too, 1997)

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy - Mr. Heatmiser (from Everything You Want for Christmas, 2004)

12 Days of Christmas - Day 1: the weather outside is frightful

We begin our holiday countdown with a yet another example of why Andrew should not be allowed access to Items of Ultimate Power^TM.

I think it would be for the best if everyone could just disregard the Ultimate Nullifer at the top of my holiday wish list.

The Brian Setzer Orchestra - Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! (from Dig That Crazy Christmas, 2005) - I have nothing but respect for the talent Mr. Setzer and his body of work -- so much so, in fact, I even named my constant feline companion after him -- but after yesterday's hellish experience, I cannot agree in any shape or form with the sentiments expressed in today's featured holiday musical selection.

in my veins hot music ran

Some pointless reminiscing today, brought on by a late night viewing of Deep Rising on Encore Action. The 1998 film is no great shakes, just one of a multitude of movies employing James Cameron’s “Lifeboat with monsters and machine guns” formula from Aliens, with nothing save a higher gore quotient and Famke Janssen in a wet t-shirt to differentiate it from the pack.

It’s a Big Dumb Movie from a Big Dumb Era, but watching it gave me a twinge of nostalgia for that bygone time. Not that the current era is any smaller or less stupid than the mid-to-late 1990’s, but as the cliché goes, “9/11 changed everything.” Well, 9/11 and the collapse of the Web 1.0 economic bubble, which introduced a mean-spirited, eat or be eaten mentality to the festive atmosphere.

Those years, roughly encompassed by Clinton’s second term, were a good time for me, despite some personal setbacks that turned out to be blessings in disguise. In the fall of 1997, I quit/was thrown out of graduate school for calling the interim American Studies program director’s bluff after I made a complaint about how the program was being run. (It ended with me calling the professor a “pencil-neck” and telling him that I thought the program was shit, which it was.) I hit the ground running, though, and switched to full time status at work, thus doubling my disposable income while freeing up other, more important parts of my schedule.

There were ample opportunities to squander those dollars, too. I amassed a fairly large collection of import and domestic Playstation and Saturn games and related ephemera such as game soundtracks and art books. This was also when my massive comic book back issue buying spree began. Armed with a list culled from a dog-eared copy of the previous year’s Overstreet Price Guide, I made an aggressive effort to reclaim and repurchase the various individual comics and series that I had either enjoyed and lost track of or missed on during my youth. The fact that I found complete runs of a lot of those comics still in pristine condition in various quarter bins speaks volumes about my childhood tastes.

That era was the last time I was actually enthusiastic about the current pop music scene, and by “enthusiastic,” I mean reading Spin and the like without the reflexive, jaded sighs and shaking on the head that the Andrew of 2007 displays on such occasions. (It doesn’t help that so many features and reviews of today’s bands read like they were generated by a computer program designed to simply swap in and out names and influences from a stock template. REMOVE: Smashing Pumpkins, ADD: Mars Volta, REMOVE: Velvet Underground, ADD: Emerson, Lake & Palmer, INSERT: Banal popcult reference, END TASK.)

As I wrote back in May 2006 in my post on the music used in the WipeOut series of games:

…the late 1990's, when the swing revival, electronica, and third-wave ska battled it out in the pop music arena for the title of "The Next Big Thing." Of course, the eventual winner of that dubious honor turned out to be teen dance pop, but it was interesting while it lasted.

…and it was interesting to hear something other than the bland, marketable tones of AOA (Adult-Oriented Alternative, aka “Yacht Rock for the coffeehouse generation”) acts on the airwaves, even if only for a short while.

Save Ferris – Come on Eileen (from It Means Everything, 1997) – Brandon Flowers of The Killers publicly dismissed The Bravery because some of that band’s members had once been in a ska band (the painfully named Skabba the Hutt). Too bad that it lead to a defamation or libel suit. It would have been the stuff of comedic legend:

“I would like to produce as evidence this high school notebook filled with poems plagiarized from the lyrics of The Cure’s ‘Love Song’ and New Order’s ‘True Faith.’ DNA testing proves that the tear stains on the pages are authentic.”

“Your honor, the suburban teenage girls and wimpster English majors deserve only the most self-righteously authentic pre-packaged and mass marketed angst! That cannot come from a soul tainted by frat boy bluebeat!”

Honestly, that whole cluster of bands (Fall Out Boy, The Killers, Interpol, etc.) can’t get tossed into the dustbin of history soon enough for my satisfaction.

The Crystal Method – Busy Child (from Vegas, 1997) – Does not contain psuedoephedrine.

Cherry Poppin’ Daddies – Zoot Suit Riot (from Zoot Suit Riot, 1997) – Horn sections, complicated dance moves, touches of Latin rhythm… If you think about it, swing is like disco, but with pegged wool trousers instead of polyester flares and a much whiter, middle-class audience.