how the hell did you get here

It's been another busy Sunday, so I hope you'll forgive me if I keep this brief...


...or rather, "briefs." It's from the cornucopia of licensed crap dangled in front of impressionable tykes within the pages of Nintendo Power's 1988 holiday gift guide. As someone who spent the second half of his childhood in the mythical era known as the Eighties, the concept of merchandising extending its slimy tendrils into the realm of fine washables doesn't surprise me, though the sly conspiratorial tone of the ad copy did give me pause. "What happens beneath your acidwash jeans is between you and King Bowser, kid."

Even worse, my mind keeps trying to contextualize the ad in terms of this...



...resulting in crippling bouts of nausea and an utter lack of faith in a just universe. (I get the same feeling whenever I see an article or news clip dealing with Victoria Beckham.)

Please Agent #015, can you or your magic mullet tell me how one can escape from this existential crisis?

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start? Of course! Why didn't I think of that?

Pulp - Underwear (from Different Class, 1995)

The Go-Go's - Skidmarks on My Heart (from Beauty and the Beat, 1981)