fashions by Darwin

Today we're going to take a look at the prevailing biological fashions, circa 430 million years ago. The Ordovician-Silurian extinction event cleared the way for all sorts of wild and crazy adaptive styles which make excellent mockery material from our lofty present-day perspective with its pre-distressed skinny jeans, low-rise sweatpants, and ironic t-shirts.

It's great being a superior lifeform, isn't it?

Hey, look! It's a giant sea scorpion! Talk about overcompensation! This dude will rock you like a hurricane! (Trite popcult references make the blogosphere go 'round!)

Trilobites were hot stuff for a time, but so were pogs. Seriously. The three-lobed look with a segmented thorax? What intelligent designer came up with that idea?

Nice look, dude. Is it anime cosplay season already? This pioneer of piscine fashion is rather proud of his status as a vertebrae early-adopter. Too bad he can't tell if he wants to be a fish or a horseshoe crab. Sheesh, didn't they have Urban Outfitters stores in the Paleozoic Era?

This dashing pair of cephalaspis are sporting the "bone-plated jawless" look popular with the Silurian-Devonian fishy crowd. So what if it was a reflection of environment and evolutionary trends? The important thing is that it looks really goofy by current bio-aesthetic standards and is perfectly suited for facile snarkery.

These Silurian fashions make it really hard to tell the males and females of the various species apart, which makes me wonder what other kinds of "boning" was going on behind the secluded coral reefs. HAW HAW! (Remember, kids: It's not a real half-assed retro fashion post if it doesn't contain at least one casual or thinly-veiled homophobic joke.)

If I have seen further than others, it is because I am standing on my tippity-toes, peeking over the shoulders of clueless giants.

We've got another original version/cover version pairing today -- a double shot of new (and newer) wave pop from the City of Angels, where star-fucking is always in vogue. (Not that I'm making a statement by choosing this particular tune or anything, honest....)

Felony - The Fanatic (from The Fanatic, 1983)

The Checkers - The Fanatic (from Make a Move, 2003)

damn the consequences

Garbage - When I Grow Up (from Version 2.0, 1998) - It's not conformity. It's evolution. Being able to let things go is just as important as knowing what to hold on to.

As for Garbage, I was emphatically unimpressed with the band upon their debut, as they seemed to be simply a vehicle for alterna-angst and crotch shots. (When the band performed "Only Happy When It Rains" at an MTV awards show back in the mid-1990's, there was a decidedly disturbing gynecological approach to the videography.) My originally negative reaction to the band has mellowed somewhat over the years, to the point where I have to admit that they were among the most enjoyable of the mainstream-in-alternative-clothing acts foisted on the world during the Clinton years.