I want to go to Washington, D.C.

It’s Presidents Day, and while I suppose I ought to crack wise about the current individual occupying the Oval Office, there’s nothing I can say to match the increasingly surreal and bizarre pronouncements that have been coming from G.W. Bush’s mouth since the November elections. In any other sphere, the sort of delusional behavior exhibited by Bush and VP Cheney in their recent public appearances would be grounds for a psychological evaluation.

The lone hero who sticks to his guns despite overwhelming opposition is a powerful mythic archetype in American culture, and though Bush may see himself acting in that role, there has to be a point where the sheer weight of evidence to the contrary comes into play. A conductor who rides a train over a precipice because he puts more stock in his faith than in any fancy-pants reports about the bridge being out is not being heroic.

Bush has nominally acknowledged that some mistakes were made with his Iraq policy, but they have amounted to little more than a PR gesture nothing in the way of sincere contrition or introspection. In a manner typical of compulsive gamblers on a losing streak, he’d rather stake it all (read: other people’s lives and America’s wealth and credibility) on a double or nothing spin of the wheel than cut his losses and walk away.

I’d make a comment about how these are the same folks who’ve repeatedly suggested government should be run more like a business, but their brand of capitalism has nothing to do with Adam Smith and everything to do with subsidies, bailouts, and non-competitive sweetheart deals. It’s Soviet-style cronyism wearing a market-friendly face.

Pay no attention to the reams of empirical evidence to the contrary, comrades. That’s just defeatist propaganda being spread by those who hate all that is good and decent about our perfect society. Trust in the proclamations of your glorious leaders, and they…I mean, all of you will benefit by our inevitable triumph.

Slow Children – President Am I (from Slow Children, 1981) – Nice quirky new wave out of Los Angeles. It’s a pity that so many worthy American wave acts got lost in the shuffle between the novelty phase of the late 70’s and the genre’s fashion conscious, Brit-predominant MTV-driven surge.

Eighth Route Army – Vice Presidente (from a 1982 single) – Despite being a relatively obscure band, I remember there being a lot of Eighth Route Army stickers, graffiti, and punk jacket patches/paintings around Boston in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

The G.R.O.D.D. Initiative: Day 5 – ook ook ook

Consider it a testament to my powers of restraint that I’ve made it past the halfway mark of my pro-simian theme week and not used the hoary “G.W. Bush = smirking chimp” comparison….yet.

I’ll admit that there’s a certain resemblance between the head of the executive branch and a shiftless little monkey. (Try a Google image search for “bush chimp” for many compelling visual references.) It’s unfair to chimpanzees, though. I know that chimpanzees, like most other primates, are prone to violent behavior, but name me one example that has done as much harm to the world as “The Great Decider.”

No, Bush isn’t a monkey. He’s a deeply flawed human being who happens to occupy a position where those flaws have had very real and tragic impact on the lives of millions of people. When criticizing the man’s policies and behavior, there’s an odd tendency for pundits and commentators to qualify their statements with “He’s not a stupid man.” Fine, but what difference does that make when he continually pursues courses of action which could only be labeled as stupid? At what point does empiricism trump intellectual credentials? Functionally, there is no difference between being dumb and being smart and consistently doing stupid things, except that the sin is greater in the latter case because they should have fucking known better from the start.

Besides, what evidence have we been shown that Bush isn’t lacking in some critical mental faculties? The man (and, by extension, his administration) is so guarded, so secretive that no illumination escapes that hasn’t been vetted, packaged, and marketed with clinical (or cynical) precision. What’s left for public consumption is the odd paradox of a pampered child of the establishment fronting as some cornpone-spouting evil doppleganger of Will Rogers (minus the sharp wit).

There’s that old story of the monkey that gets its hand stuck in a jar because it refuses to let go of the piece of food inside. Bush’s hand is similarly stuck, clenched tight around what he perceives to be his legacy, pretty much guaranteed to be of dubious value at this point, but that won’t stop him from tossing more bodies into Iraq’s meat grinder if those deaths can salvage his reputation (or postpone the inevitable until 2009, when it won’t be on his watch).

Monkeys may not be perfect, but they are capable of adaptive behavior…unlike the current president.

The Downliners Sect – Too Much Monkey Business (from The Sect, 1964) – This Chuck Berry composition was very popular among the 60’s UK beat groups, and was covered by the likes of The Beatles, The Kinks, and The Yardbirds (among many, many others). This version by the lesser known Downliners Sect is my favorite one, due to its sheer rawness.

Tom T. Hall – The Monkey That Became President (from a 1972 single, collected on Storyteller, Poet, Philosopher, 1995) – Tom T. knows the truth. A real monkey in the Oval Office would be a massive improvement over its current occupant, although certain cat-faced aliens beg to differ.