and it's terminal

A tragedy, really. Though not as common these days as it was fifty years ago, Pat Boonitis (a.k.a. "The Wholesome Family-Friendly Disease") still remains a grave risk to the public's health and musical tastes. Symptoms include:

• cravings that can only be sated with an American cheese and mayo sandwich on Wonder Bread (sliced diagonally with the crusts cut off, natch)
• calling Pet Sounds a "hard rock" album
• considering a chaste peck on the cheek to be "getting to third base"
• taking fashion cues from H.R. Haldeman (males) or Pat Nixon (females) and/or exhibiting a fondness for pastel-toned cardigan sweaters
• seeing an ad for the local Methodist Church's "Christian Coffee House" in the paper and thinking that it sounds like a really hep scene
• believing the female orgasm is a myth propagated by the Communists and their feminist dupes
• wishing that you could have lived in Pleasantville before Peter Parker and Elle Woods ruined the place
• thinking that Andy Williams would have done a better version of "Say It Loud -- I'm Black and I'm Proud"
• voting Republican (This in and of itself could be potentially indicative of a host of disorders akin to Pat Boonitis, and should be considered as an ancillary indicator alongside any of the other symptoms listed above.)

If detected early enough, Pat Boonitis-A can usually be cured with the proper administration of Meet The Beatles! and James Brown's Live at the Apollo LP. Particularly extreme cases may require a crash infusion of G.G. Allin and The Scumfucs tunes, but extreme care must be taken lest the patient lapse into severe culture shock.

The B strain of Pat Boonitis is, unfortunately, incurable. Many sufferers are able to carry on with a semblance of life, despite their obsessive behaviors regarding golf, the capital gains tax, and why those goshdarn pinko Democrats hate the USA and Baby Jesus so much.

Fortunately for the human race, the highly virulent and contagious Debbie Boonitis mutant strain of the disease has not reared its head since the Great Pandemic of 1977. I was five years old, and the horror of that time left scars on my psyche that linger to the present day. The clouds rained blood and packs of feral dogs worried the flesh of the unburied souls whose lives had been lit up by the horrific effects of that MOR pop earworm. Just when it seemed all would be lost, the world received a most unlikely savior in the form of the Bee Gees' "How Deep Is Your Love." We were that close to going out forever. But three Australian brothers with high-pitched voices taught us to slow dance, disco-style...

Remember, kids: Forewarned in forearmed. The life you save may be your very own.

Mike Leander - Onward Christian Soldiers (from the Privilege OST, 1967) - From Peter Watkins' 1967 film about a fascist/theocratic British government of the future and how it uses a charismatic rock star to distract, indoctrinate, and otherwise control the youth population. Hey, it's sci-fi! No worries here, right? (This track originally came from the much missed 7 Black Notes.)

R.E.M. - Shiny Happy People (from Out of Time, 1991) - Okay, so there was one song on that album that I liked, due to the presence of B-52 (and Athens scene alum) Kate Pierson. Of course, it was the one song on Out of Time that my college drawing teacher would skip over during her maddening semester-long repeat loop of the album on the studio's CD player.