open your mind and you will see

Move over, Nero Wolfe! Take a hike, Sam Spade! There's a new gumshoe in town, and Debbie Preston is taking on the cases no one else dares to touch..


It makes me wonder if it's time the character was dusted off and relaunched with a "now" sensibility, sort of James Ellroy-meets-Carolyn Keene in tone:

As she stepped into the penthouse bathroom, Debbie cursed herself for letting things get this far. She remembered the stern talking to she got from her father after the SWAT team had to rescue her from the mess of the Britney/K-Fed custody battle case.

She found her ex-client kneeling on the floor, her face suspended over the toilet bowl, the sound of her dry heaves echoing in the basin. By her right knee was a butcher knife, the handle and blade glued to the porcelain tiles by a coagulated pool of blood. There were also clotted streaks where her ex-client's hands gripped the rim of the bowl.

It was even worse than Debbi had feared, and she decided to forgo any niceties. She snatched a fistful of her ex-client's long, manky blonde hair and yanked her head out of the toilet. Red-rimmed eyes stared up at her, but Debbie could see nothing past the vacant stare.

"Where is she? Where is your twin sister? Tell me!"

Her ex-client let out a choked sob, and a string of vomit-flecked spittle passed through her lips and ran down her chin. Her voice was faint and hoarse, "I have no sister."

Debbie was fighting back the urge to shake the truth out of her when she noticed something bobbing around in the toilet bowl amidst the vomit, spittle, and bile.

Something small. Something pink. Something that looked exactly like a severed human finger, the gnaw marks still visible despite its round trip journey.

"Tell...Uncle Joey...I'm so sorry..."

Debbie knew that she wasn't going to home by curfew on this night.

Tune in next time, as Debbie tries to unravel a rash of mysterious murders targeting those who have come into possession of a Hollywood superstar's stolen PDA! How does it tie back to a male prostitution ring in the San Fernando Valley and a secretive religious group founded by a failed sci-fi writer? Will Debbie solve the mystery before the co-host of a network news morning show becomes the next victim? And who will be Debbie's date to the Winter Semiformal -- Chad or Tommy?

Voice of the Beehive - I Think I Love You (from Honey Lingers, 1991) - Aren't we due for yet another revival of interest in the Partridge Family? Or has VH-1 permanently exhausted the soil on that front with its slash and burn nostalgricultural methods?

China Crisis - Tragedy and Mystery (from Working with Fire and Steel, 1983) - SYNTHESIZED BRASS AND BRIT ACCENTS 4EVA!!!