ridicule is nothing to be scared of

The state of the American rock scene circa November 1981, as recorded in the pages of Hit Parader magazine:

(clicking makes things bigger)
I recently uncovered my small but extremely fascinating stash of early 80's rock magazines while digging around in my attic in search of something. (The something in question, I'm shamed to admit, happened to be a double-bladed lightsaber accessory needed to make my new Darth Revan figure better match the version I play in Knights of the Old Republic. NERD POWER!)

The majority of the mags were gifts from my wife, who found them and a DJ's crate of matching 45's at an estate sale a few years back. They're exclusively American periodicals -- mostly Hit Parader (before it became a heavy metal-specific venue in the mid-80's) and Creem with a few random issues of Us and People tossed into the mix -- and are invaluable artifacts from a retrological standpoint. These assorted periodicals present the era as it was, when it was, warts and all, instead of through the idealized rosy tint of collective mythologizing and nostalgia.

And as that table of contents shows, the reality was depressing indeed. It's heavy on the RAWK, with a couple new wave acts (Split Enz coming off the success of "I Got You" and Squeeze, who were only "New Wave" by historical accident), and a then-popular country crossover artist. It may not jibe with the memories of the Anglophile set, but it accurately reflects both the US top 40 charts from the period and Us magazine's 1981 year in review, which officially pronounced the new wave dead in the water. It really wasn't until MTV (launched in the summer of 1981) began to take off in earnest that the video-ready (and more importantly, video-friendly) descendents of the punk revolution cracked the North American market in earnest. (Check the top 100 charts for the years 1980 through 1983 for an excellent look at the radical taste shift in action.)

It's not just the choice of featured bands, but the overall tone of the magazine that is striking to behold. My wife described it as "fanzine-like," but that only partially describes it. There's a weird fusion of 70's rockist and Reagan Era attitudes in play, streamed through a starfucker filter. The "At Home With REO Speedwagon" interview with Neal Doughty ("Part Two of a Series") is the best example of this, in which the interviewer attempts to spin, sans irony, Doughty's affection for good room service (it helps if you don't trash the hotel room, Doughty states), home electronics, and Wizard of Oz memorabilia as "rock and roll" behavior. It presents Rotarian as rock star, and the dissonance is staggering. (Not that I fault Doughty, who is straightforward in reconciling his stardom with his interests, unlike the folks who show up on MTV cribs who present a "punk" or "gangsta" persona while showing off their custom made golf clubs or antique Persian carpets.)

Other highlights include a "sports challenge" where the magazine's staff members try to beat Rick "Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo" Derringer's score on a Phoenix pinball machine, a pin up of Cheap Trick's Rick Nielsen, and the letters page -- which proves that Kiss fans have always been a little touched in the head. "Kiss is the best damn group today that's worth a shit," says Phillip Box of Picayune, Mississippi, leading to me to wonder what is the best damn group of that era that wasn't worth a shit. Sukiyaki? The Dixie Dregs?

One of the trademark features of Hit Parader back in the day was that it included lyrics to the the popular songs of the day in each issue. For November 1981, we have "(The Theme to) Endless Love," "Slow Hand," and "We Can Work It Out" (as recorded by Chaka Khan). Also, "It's Now or Never" (as recorded by John "Bo Duke" Schneider) and "Too Drunk to Fuck" (as recorded by Mitch Miller and the Gang).*

The types of ads a publication runs is usually the best indicator of its intended target demographic, so what do the dozens of ads offering quick stardom via mail order to aspiring singers, songwriter/poets, and musicians (for a nominal fee, of course) tell us about Hit Parader's readership at the time? Before you answer, be sure to take into account the numerous ads for bodybuilding and weight loss plans, "magical" charms and formulae, and, yes, the glory that is DISCO TV. There are also plenty of ads hawking these dubious passkeys to glory for the under legal age crowd...


Seriously. I counted eight before I got bored and gave up halfway though the issue. It certainly explains the spike in Boone's Farm and peppermint schnapps consumption during that bygone era. The crackdown on fake ID's dealt a near fatal blow to the low grade pop alcoholic beverage industry.

To be fair, the issue isn't all dodgy product ads and rockist wankery. There were a few things that did manage slip past my retro-sarcasm catch nets, such as:

- a short blurb about Rick Ocasek of The Cars handling production duties on the New Models' "Permanent Vacation" single, a quite excellent bit of forgotten Beantown new wave which can be nabbed here.

- a piece about "new wave rock band" The Clash filming footage in New York City for a planned "modern western" where gunfights are replaced with "rap fights." I'm assuming, since the dates coincide, that the end product ended up being the video for "This Is Radio Clash."

- a mention of a Birmingham new wave outfit named after a Barbarella character whose single, "Planet Earth," had been getting major club play stateside. Also mentioned was Cold Chisel, an Aussie rock outfit deemed "likely" to follow in the footsteps of AC/DC and Air Supply.

And so we conclude our rambling retro-broadcast day with a Mr. John Lydon's after-the-fact take on that glorious year..

Public Image limited - 1981 (from This Is What You Want...This Is What You Get, 1984)

...as well as two tracks from 1981 that did not appear on the U.S. top 40 charts:

Adam and the Ants - Prince Charming (from Prince Charming, 1981) - Before she was a punk, my wife was an Antperson. I occasionally tease her about it, but then she brings up my heavy metal past and it stops being fun.

Red Rockers - Peer Pressure (from Condition Red, 1981) - Before they had a modest new wave hit with "China," the Red Rockers were a straightforward, Clash-inspired political punk outfit and just one of several excellent bands in the early New Orleans punk scene.

* I'm joking about one of those.